I felt sad and hopeless the day after our counseling appointment on the fourth. My therapist would call that "facing reality," but I could not keep myself from believing John when he said he was willing to work on us. Maybe it is denial. I suppose I'll only know after the fact.

Late the next evening, I received a long message from John. I was surprised, because he usually only writes me while he's at work, especially long ones, though those had been pretty rare for a while. He explained some of what was on his mind, and said he was willing to work on things and actually had been. Of course, his work involved figuring things out within himself, but in the end, that would affect the "us" too. While still reserved, he did say that if he could choose an ending to all of this, it would be that we work it out and live happier than we ever have. He's just not sure if he can do that or it will happen.

I, on the other hand, feel I could make it work. Call me an optimist or an idealist or just plain crazy, but I still believe you can make almost anything work if you are willing to try. In a relationship though, it takes both people being willing to try. No amount of work or hope or confidence can make John want the same thing I do. His message did help me believe there is a chance though.

It took me a while to compose a thoughtful response to his message. We had a small "business" exchange the next day (Friday), and he picked the kids up for the weekend.

He asked if I would like him to come over to watch the Steelers game on Sunday, and I agreed. He stayed well into the evening and actually told me he'd been thinking about me all day. I'm not sure how much of that was emotional, but it's nice to hear. He hasn't said that in months.

The following week I only got a couple short emails from him on Monday until Friday when we coordinated that weekend. He did come over on Tuesday to help me change the wax seal on the toilet, though it turned out we couldn't do it due to rusted bolts. He watched the Penguins hockey game and stayed for a while. It was a nice evening.

Our finances are in complete shambles, so John hadn't done any grocery shopping. He suggested he stay over for the weekend, since he didn't have anything to feed the kids. I was concerned about Booie getting her hopes up again, and he said we could talk about that when he came over.

He did stay the whole weekend, including Monday and even Monday evening, since he had to watch Booie for me while I went to the Penguins game with Hammy. We watched movies, went to his brother's for the Steelers game on Sunday, watched videos, listened to music, and had a really nice weekend as a family. He didn't spend that much time with us when he lived here, and he actually seemed to enjoy himself.

We talked a couple of the nights while lying in bed, and he admitted he enjoyed being there, but he didn't want to rush things. He knew I wanted him back right away, but he felt it could ruin what we've already built.

I am anxious to have him back. I truly believe I'm in a completely different place than I ever was. Throughout counseling a couple years ago, I just could not understand how he could ask me to "accept him as he was." There was so much wrong, and I blamed him for nearly everything. I couldn't find a way to accept that at all. But now that I've accepted my responsibility in our relationship, I finally do understand, and I can accept him for who he is. As I said throughout this ordeal, I figured a whole lot of things out, but by that time, he was already closed to me. I've been ready for a long time, since before he left, so of course I want him back as soon as possible. But what's possible for me is not for him.

I have to be patient, as hard as that is. I'm not patient by nature, which is one of my flaws as a person. It's just like when people rush getting married--if it's meant to be, it won't change. So part of my impatience is actually disguised worry that our relationship won't work out. The majority of it is that I know what I want. I have no doubt whatsoever. Unfortunately, John does, and until that changes, I have to wait.

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One Year Ago Today: