I'll continue where I left off the other day in my marriage saga with me stirring the pot and John's further withdrawal.
The day after we got back, January 2nd, we went to MIL's so the kids could open gifts. John met us there. FIL was there too, and BIL came later. All went well, though it was definitely awkward for me. John didn't seem terribly comfortable either. We stayed quite a while until it was time to get home, so the kids could get ready for school the next day.
That is when Booie broke down again, which tore me up so badly I had to go hide in the bathroom and cry. It's bad enough that I have no control over the situation for myself, but when there is nothing I can do for my kids, it breaks me up even more. John sat with her on the couch for a while and comforted her and decided he would bring her home later. The whole reason I was leaving at that time was so she could get a shower and get to bed, but I wasn't going to stay. John dropped Booie off about an hour later, and she seemed fine by then.
While I was at MIL's, I'd asked BIL if I could call him later. He ended up calling me, since the time was getting quite late. I hadn't really figured out what I wanted to say. I just knew I was more worried about John than ever and knew he would not want to confide in me or be receptive to anything I said. BIL said he thought John was making a huge mistake in leaving his family, something he never told me, and assured me he would try to talk to John and look out for him.
As I was on the phone, Hammy started acting up. He was snapping at me and not getting ready like he should. He often has trouble after visiting with his dad in Nebraska, but this time was particularly difficult for him. His dad and stepmom haven't been doing well for years, and they are no longer playing nice when Hammy visits. It was hard on him to see that on top of having his family here shattered. He admitted he his behavior was due to his worry, sadness, and anger over both his dad's and his home situations and sobbed for the first time I know since John left as I held him. We talked a while after he calmed down, even though it was well past his bedtime.
I felt completely miserable after all that. Hammy had been handling things fairly well, so it was hard to have him breaking down, especially when Booie was at the worst I'd seen. It seemed everyone, including John, was in a bad place, and there was nothing at all I could do but cry even more over the whole situation.
John and I emailed back and forth earlier that day, and I apologized for pushing him the night we got home. Those emails, combined with his behavior the night before was my cause for worrying about him. We emailed some more the next day. He told me how hard the holidays were on him, and I fully explained my reasons for leaving during that time and why it was hard on me too. We had counseling in the early evening and left further conversation to that.
Counseling did not go well. I went in thinking we were going to talk about reconciling, as we discussed when he made the appointment, but John said he "wasn't in a good place" and was not ready to think about "us." The counselor pinned me down after John discussed the New Year's Eve phone call and how he didn't want to make the call. She asked what that told me, and I said the obvious--John wanted out of the relationship. He did not correct either of us, and I was told the same thing I've been told in all my individual sessions--I had to move on with my life and forget about my marriage.
I was very unhappy when we left, thinking this was finally it, but John made an appointment for himself the following week and one for both of us in two weeks. I figured the joint session was probably for mediation purposes at that point. I had to know for sure though, and I confronted him as we went to our cars. I asked him if he was even going to try. He tried to avoid answering at first, but eventually, he did say he would try. He just wasn't in a place at that time to do so. I said I had to know there was at least a chance, so I wasn't wasting my efforts. He did assure me there was, and we both left without the usual peck or even a hug.
I was pretty angry at that point and decided I better just prepare myself for the worst, even though he said he would try at some point. With the way things had gone, and after what the counselor said, I thought it best to face what was laid out in front of me--the end of my marriage. After getting my hopes up before the holidays and being told we would talk and try, it was a bitter pill, but reality is not always sweet.
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One Year Ago Today:
