It lookes like I am on the upswing again. I want to get my weightlifting done. It's been over a week, maybe two. If I could just string these together. At least I don't give up. I would be much worse off if I gave up completely. It's not great, nothing to cheer about, but it's not as bad as it could be. So I just have to keep making my lapses shorter and further between, until they are basically gone.

I took exactly a week off writing. That's another thing that would help me stay on track. In fact, it should probably be my next priority since I seem to have the hygiene things down.

I still feel stupid that I have to make myself do simple daily tasks to take care of myself. I have to put them on a list. The fact that I wouldn't make it a priority if it wasn't on my list is really humiliating, even if no one knows about it. I can't take care of myself like normal people? It just seems so pathetic, and I have a very hard time not thinking myself a complete loser. I've rather embraced that title it seems.

Some days it is really tough to do the bare basics though. So many times I think, "Just get up and do it," but I don't. I sit or lay and feel like even those small chores are too much, knowing I am physically capable but my mental and emotional side takes over. That's why it's so easy to start berating myself. Because isn't that what lazy, incompetent people do? So, I am lazy and incompetent. Makes sense, right?

I have a million ways to put myself down. I've structured my life to make it easy to put myself down, to stay down.

I'll get to it later though. I'm going to make dinner, so I won't have another reason.

6:14 p.m. - At a Loss

I just know if I got organized I wouldn't have such a hard time. Getting there is a huge undertaking though, and I can't manage to take it a little at a time. I always get overwhelmed, many times before I even start. The times I do actually get going, I get discouraged by how big the task is once I dig in, I'm frustrated by lack of participation and caring from the rest of the family, or I get disgusted by the mess made from cleaning up the mess. Regardless, I end up quitting. Once in a while, I actually get through an area. I'll feel all good and smug that I did it and feel like I earned a break. A big, long break. And everything goes to hell again. It's amazing how quickly it happens too, no matter how many times it happens.

I've come up with another of my brilliant ideas.

11:46 p.m. - Edible Guilt

The past couple National Body Challenge shows have been interesting because they haven't been the big success stories that you usually see on such things. I'm not sure how I feel about them. Maybe because they are so real, and I can relate to them too easily. Tonight's was particularly touchy for me, because she had the food problem like I do. It's painful and difficult. She showed that. I guess I just don't know what to do with it. The show left it hanging with her saying she needed to work on the food issues now that she's admitted it.

So is that it? Do I admit I'm an addict to get better? But then what? I'm I'm an addict. Food, sugar, cookies. I binge. I never really thought I did, because I didn't typically eat whole packages of things. But sometimes I do, like Girl Scout cookies every year. And I all too often find myself uncomfortably full. Considering my large capacity for food now, that's a disturbing feeling. I think about food a lot. If I'm not occupied with something, I'm thinking about food--what I could eat, what I should eat, when I'll eat, what I want to eat. I can spend an alarming amount of time pondering what would taste best to me at the time. If I satisfy that desire, I'm on to what would be good next. I'm obsessed with food. I often think I truly love food. And food loves me, for a little while, which is why I keep coming back for more.

I know all about the whys--the deprivation, the surrogacy. So far, knowing those things hasn't done much for me. I'm bigger than ever. Success is more than looking at my food issues. I think it means looking at myself. I've admitted the addiction and obsession, so the next step would be control. But control is so much more than keeping a food jounral. I have to build discipline, self-respect, forgiveness, integrity. If I don't think very highly of myself, I'm going to keep being an unworthy person. Fat. Stupid. Lazy. Failure. Worthless. Incompetent. Liar. Unrealiable. Not. Good. Enough.

All the conversations, arguments, and scoldings when I was growing up are alive and well and living inside my head. "You think you're better than us, but you're not." "You aren't any better than anyone else." "Get off your high horse." I always thought if I wrote an autobiography, that would be the title in some way. I didn't need to get off the high horse though. I was yanked down. Any time I tried to move up, be something better, find success, dream, I was torn down. Even my good grades were a flaw, because "other people had to work for their grades." I was made to feel bad for my gift in life. I was just made to feel bad.

It does make me angry. I know I've wasted so much potential, but that potential was tainted. So I'm bad to waste it but bad to have it. I can't win, and that is why I've had so much frustration. And really, I don't believe I should win. I don't deserve it. Only people who have to work hard deserve success. And I'm just a mistake anyway. I was conceived by mistake, and I live life as a mistake, making one after another.

I've never felt cherished and appreciated by my mother, so I never learned to cherish and appreciate myself. I use food instead. I was drawn into a relationship (a few, actually) where I am not valued, because that's what I know. So I continue to love myself with food. As I age, it all worsens. I feel more sad and use food more and grow ever larger, which makes me feel worse. But it's comfortable, because it's familiar. Even though it eventually causes me pain, the comfort of the routine and familiarity in the moment keeps me following the same pattern.

I have to learn to love myself in other ways that are productive and healthy. Shake off all the negativity and family history like Kaya shakes off snow. Learn to feel worthy, important. Appreciate my skills. See the positives in myself. I've been taught over-modesty, not to embrace the great things in my self. They aren't bad or wrong. Even as I write that though, I could feel my stomach cringe, like I was stealing from my mom's purse.

Interestingly enough, I think I've already begun. The little acts of self-care by washing and moisturizing my face every day and brushing my teeth, the simple tasks so many people take for granted, those are acts of self-love. Small and routine, something that should be a part of everyone's day, were not always part of mine. Facial care in particular seemed too much a luxury, and I think brushing my teeth only happened as much as it did for fear of the dentist. Neglecting such basics let me play the failure role, where I've believed I belonged.

Somewhere, I believe I am worth the effort. And maybe this will lead to bigger things. That is my current dream and goal. I want to believe I can achieve anything and that while I might not be better than anyone else, I'm not below them either.

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One Year Ago Today: