My routine and comfort zone has been a lack of routine and direction, leaving things open. I don't remember how many times I've said it doesn't work. Clearly, recognizing the problem doesn't magically change things. It only makes it possible to change. So far, I haven't gone that direction.

Even now, I am getting some things done every day, but I still wouldn't call them routine. Particularly in the morning. I have a little routine of getting the kids off to school, then it's a free-for-all. Usually I'll eat and have some coffee. Sometimes I watch TV. Sometimes I get on the computer. Sometimes I go back to bed, usually reading, then sleeping. Once in a blue moon, I do chores, usually spurred by someone visiting. Eventually I will get around to brushing teeth and washing my face. Sometimes though, it doesn't get done until afternoon.

So I think it's important I make at least those things more of a routine in the morning. I'm pretty good at night, just as with everything. If I start my days off better, I will probably be more productive throughout the day, resulting in feeling better about myself. That being the primary goal.

I'll start small, usuing the small self-care tasks that I've found to be so helpful. Journaling is another very useful thing for me, but I often feel guilty doing it when I could be excavating my dresser. Everyone knows I fail to do the other task when I'm not writing. So I have to stop being stupid and do what's good for me. Apply that rule toward one thing at a time, and then I won't be stupid at all anymore. Mostly.

If I did the outrageious and got up just a tiny bit earlier every day, I coudl get started on these things. Get up without hitting the snooze button. No one is in the bathroom then, and I could get hte washing and brushing out of the way. But... (you had to know it was coming) what if I work out later? That makes washing and moisturizing kind of pointless, because I'll just have to do it again. But I don't always work out when I am supposed to, so I end up not getting anything done until well into the afternoon when I've finally abandoned the notion I'll exercise. See why I never get going with anything? Sheesh.

The ideal morning would be to wake up quite a bit earlier, eat, exercise, shower, brush teeth, and then get the kids off to school. But we're talking about me, a conceived night owl, not just born, but formed that way from the second sperm met egg. I have to be realistic. I'm sure it's physically possible to accomplish, but it's not natural, and I certainly wouldn't like it, which means I wouldn't stick to it. So, let's worth with what I am inclined to actually do.

I think I can manage getting up 10 minutes earlier. I already made a change to get up 5 minutes earlier than I had been, so an extra 10 is doable. Getting dressed and eating is probably the best way to start. I see myself getting stressed by the time limitations if I try writing, which is the first thing I considered. By the time I have to get Booie to school and deal with neighbor beast, I'll be more awake and ready. Eventually, I could do some chores up until I get the girls out the door, but I won't get too ambitious at this point. That can be my next step. I can get laundry going, then work out if that's the plan. If not, I'll go ahead and wash and brush. I can have a lot out of the way before lunch. After lunch, I'll declutter, and that will take care of my list. Or not, now that I think about it. Writing can be after self-care. Making the bed, after I get up. Now that is all until evening, which isn't a problem.

2:00 p.m. - The Urge to Eat

I had lunch, not too bad, not fantastic. I ate everything and felt pretty good. But I wanted cookies. All morning I was surprised that I didn't want cookies, and I was happy with myself. Then I have this full lunch, and that's when I want the cookies. It's like eating anything at all is this trigger that sends me eating.

I did eat the cookies, one serving with some milk. As I was getting them out, there was a dialogue in my head:

Voice A: You don't need those.
Voice B: But I really want them.
A: You just had a good lunch. You're have a good day. Don't ruin it.
B: Just one serving.
A: But you're not hungry.
B: I really, really want them. It's not that bad. I shouldn't deprive myself.
A: You could use some deprivation.
B: That's not nice! Now I really want the cookies.
A: Way to handle yourself.
B: There's fiber in these. And protein too. And I'll drink some milk. Milk is good!
A: Give me a break.
B: See? Just 3, like the box says!
A: This is not good. You're going over 600 calories. For lunch. One meal!
B: It's not McDonald's.
A: That's a quality comparison.
B: You're working out today.
A: To lose weight. Not to burn off useless cookies.
B: You'll burn more than this.
A: Chocolate milk?
B: It's 1%.
A: That's so much better.
B: It goes well with the peanut butter.
A: You can't make any concessions, can you?
B: I'm not eating the whole sleeve of cookies. You know I can.
A: So do your knees, you heifer.

After eating cookies:

B: I'm too full.
A: Moron.
B: I think I burped up some cookie.
A: That's a sign.
B: (moan)
A: How an I supposed to work out like this? No wonder you're fat!

See... voice A is sensible but mean while voice B is whimsical, childish, and happy-go-lucky. A would get a lot further without the name-calling and berating. B needs to shut up once in a while and not because of a full mouth or belly. B justifies. A scolds. Neither are doing me much good.

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One Year Ago Today: