I was talking to myself in the shower. Out loud. I don't know how much it helped. I feel very bad today. Down. Useless. Defeated. It probably started with being really tired, then having cookies and chocolate milk for breakfast, then going back to bed. Guess what I ate when I got up? More cookies, different variety. I watched TV, wasn't just satisfied with cookies, so I got more chocolate milk and some shredded wheat. Could it be any surprise why I feel bad or why I'm fat?

After running out of TV to watch, I figured I better get a shower. There was no more avoiding it. Or more like, the smart side of me actually won a round, so I reluctantly got it and gave my negative side a surprise by giving a voice to resistance. And now I'm here.

It was hard to start writing. It always is when I'm facing my worst. I feel mired in stagnancy, and that's always when I don't know what to say. I'm deep in hopelessness and defeat. It's like ambition completely abandons me. I've said all there is to say about what it's like to be there, because I've been stuck more than I haven't.

Besides my parents, I blamed my boyfriend, Bob, a lot for why I felt inferior. He was a contributor; there's no doubt. But I've found it goes back to my first boyfriend, Kyle. He carried a picture of his previous girlfriend and would show it to me and tell me how great she was. He never compared us, but I did. That was enough to play on my weakness, even though he was a nice person and boyfriend in other ways. Ed, I dn't know, except that I always felt he was beyond me, like I didn't measure up. Brian was a train wreck that fell just short of saying I was fat ("I like a girl with more meat on her.") when he did compare me to his ex-fiancee with whom he cheated on me. That's one of the best self-esteem compactors there is, like those car crushers at junkyards. John had his love affair with his mother who gets the award of only parent ever to hate me. I've never heard a guy talk about his mother so much. I hope they're happy together, because I don't see any girl cracking that. Then there was Bob. Bob, who wanted to pick my clothes, my hairstyle, and my friends. I know he never meant harm, and he did love me, but he still wasn't very good for me when I was so susceptible to criticism. He did undermind my self-esteem, but I think I hated him most for so long because of the pregnancy and abortion, even though he never knew. There are journals dedicated to Stephen, though I can't se he ever made me feel bad about myself except that I knew I settled with him. The next Ed was another anomoly. But there were so many other factors surrounding that relationship, mainly my parents' disapproval and financial security, that were too hard for me to overcome. So I ended up with the next John, who leaves me on my own in this.

John is like trial by fire. It's like I just wasn't getting the message, so I was drawn to someone who would challenge me to the utmost. That's my theory anyway. I haven't known what to do since then. So I find myself stuck and unhappy. Maybe if I finally stop blaming him, I'll get somewhere, become unstuck.

2:55 p.m. - The Crap In My Head

John brough home a handout from the doctor about "distorted thinking." Dr. Phil covers this in at least two of his books, and I read about it in a handout from my doctor too. So... I have all these things telling me the same thing, and it's very clear I have a head-full of negative self-talk. (Maybe that's what's wrong with my ear. It's leaking out.) Now I suppose I should follow all the advice instead of just reading and saying, "Yep. That's me!"

John is supposed to buy this book, so I'll probably work with it too. But first, I'm going to work with the book I have, something I have been avoiding.

---------------------------------------------

One Year Ago Today: