No wonder I don't do actual morning pages every day. I can barely form words. It took me three minutes just to think up a title.
I've been up just a short time, and I already busted myself being critical. I felt the fat on my stomach, and the instant insults began. It's hard to have a good day when you wake up and instantly start thinking that way. I might have a hard time forming some words, but the negative ones come naturally.
We're looking at treadmills today. I'm very excited but very scared too. Those negative thoughts again. "What is you spend all that money and then not use it?" That could be a possibility. If I let it be. But it's not going to happen. I am going to use it. That's why we're buying it. I like using tredmills when I go to the gym. I don't have the excuse of the weather being bad or having to get ready and go to the gym. Even when I don't feel like rearranging furniture to do Tae-Bo, I can still manage to walk. I think this will get me running again too. I really do want to run again. And I want to exercise more. I think a treadmill really will push me over the hump and make that happen.
As for the actual shopping, I am nervous about testing the treadmills. I don't want to run in front of the fit and slim salespeople. But I have to to really test them right to see what I like best. So I guess I'll just have to grit my teeth and do it. It's more important that I find what I really like than save myself some embarassment.
Speaking of which, after going to the bookstore, I decided I did want a new shirt to wear when we go out tonight. I figured I would sacrifice pride for convenience and went to the Lane Bryant right across the street. The Weight Loss Diaries said she didn't know why there were 14/16s in Lane Byrant because anyone who could get away with shopping somewhere else, does. Generally, that's true for me too. One of the interesting reasons why I don't shop there is something I've discussed before--when I go in there, I don't feel fat enough. The salesgirl got me a shirt last night, and I felt bad telling her my size.
I can't win. I feel like the Lane Bryant people wonder why I'm there because I'm not fat enough and all the regular store people wonder why I'm there because I'm fat. I don't fit anywhere, and it's hard to feel even more alientated when I'm already suffering from must trying on stupid clothes in the first place. It's like trauma upon trauma.
So I guess this hould serve as incentive for change, huh?
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One Year Ago Today:
