On Therapy

Well, I still don't know what to make of this counseling business. It was interesting. I like the therapist. I've never heard John speak so well in relation to our problems. Those all seem like good things. The rest of the day sucked ass though, so maybe that's why I don't know what to make of the whole thing.

That, and I'm the person being listed to the insurance company as having a problem. I'm "irritable, experiencing weight gain and insomniatic," all sure signs of depression. I get to be depressed, so our health insurance will pay for our marriage counseling. They'd rather see us divorce it seems. But then, I do think I'm depressed, so we're not lying to them. I'm insanity waiting to happen.

We get to see the therapist individually now. I go Friday. John asked me if I'm going to spill my guts. Probably. I'll most likely spill a few tears that day too.

I didn't have time to do any of that this first time. We didn't dig deep enough for any of that. We also got there late, because John didn't bother to figure out exactly where the office was. I knew I should have looked it up myself, but I didn't, so we got in a big fight right before we arrived. We were freshly pissed off at our very first counseling session. It's a wonder we weren't scrapping through the whole appointment, but I put on my "I'm the most agreeable, pleasant wife ever" face. I am curious if we should have mentioned our tiff, but we didn't have time for it anyway. We only got 45 minutes as it was. I wasn't going to use more time to tell the doctor how many ways I chewed John's ass on the way there.

I'm still a little nervous about this whole thing, and I'm definitely anxious about Friday. The one thing with which I was a little displeased was John saying I need to get out more and have more friends and be more social. I really feel like I get out enough, and I have plenty of friends. I do miss my best friend and haven't gotten a new one, but I don't really think I need to do that either. I also got the feeling the doctor felt I should get out and work, and I'm not ready for that yet. Debt or not, my working won't help things. Plus, I really don't want to do it. I don't plan on being a housewife the rest of my life, but I'm not ready to stop being one now. I expect a touch of confrontation on this, so I'm already defensive. That's not the way I should be going into this.

There was much more good than bad in our session, so I have a lot of hope for the rest of this adventure. The rest of that day was so miserable though; I am left hoping that's not the way it will always go either. We didn't leave arguing, but John was crabby from a pinched nerve in his shoulder, and I wanted to talk a little bit. His irritability and my feeling rejected didn't combine for a very good afternoon and evening. We did make up later. That was a nice change, but it cost me a few hours sleep.

Hopefully that is the only reason I was super-tired today. I typically have two reasons I'm so tired that I need a nap: illness or pregnancy. I'm not sick right now that I know, and I better not be pregnant. There is a possibility only because I have had sex, but we are very careful. The possibility only comes from birth control failure. That better not happen. I will need more than therapy if I were pregnant again.

And now I need therapy because my Penguins lost their second game in a row at home. I think I'll sulk and do some housework.