I had to eat late last night, and that seems to make my weight a little higher in the morning. So I think I would have lost this week, but I am good with maintenance. I just would have been super-happy with a loss. I'm still going in that direction; I have no doubt.
Yesterday, I ended up cleaning around the house before working out, so that was all I did otherwise. I didn't eat dinner before I left for the band festival. I was hungry and low on calories when I got home, so I ate then. I stayed up for a while, but I was tired.
3:25 p.m.
I am so tired, even though I slept OK. I don't feel like working out at all--a first in quite a while. I mess with music for a while, which usually gets me going. Not this time. I ate a snack, thinking a little energy might help. I just felt like throwing up. I figured I'd write about it for a while and see if I could work through it.
John and Hammy went to the baseball game. I was hoping he would want to go with me, but first he suggested I take Hammy, since he'd taken Booie to the hockey game, and he and I were going next weekend. I didn't want to do that, so he asked Booie, who didn't really want to go. Hammy even said John and I should go, but John had reasons ready why that wouldn't work--Hammy had his friend over (going home anyway), and Booie was going to a carnival with a neighbor (so?). He nver said he'd like me to go or anything either. I wish he liked being with me more.
I think he really wants an extended time away. Not necessarily physically gone, but not having to deal with me. Maybe I've been too nice and loving. I don't think I'm smothering though. I let him do his computer stuff. I don't get angry about it. I let him do what he wants, but I still get the impression he doesn't want to have me around. At all. For a while.
I still feel insecure, and I do want a little reassurance. We haven't talked much at all, nothing really about the important issues. I am trying to be patient without letting him buy his head. It's hard to balance, especially when I still have needs. I have a hard time asking for anything right now too. I'm afraid to push too hard. I know he needs some time, but I can't wait forever either. I will have to start asking for some things eventually. I can let him sort things out for a while yet, but I think I will do a little probing today. I am really glad we have counseling next weekend.
---------------------------------------------
One Year Ago Today:
