I've never felt so hollow in all my life. I ate a handful of Cheerios, and oat bar, and a glass of Slim Fast (for protein) amd milk. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat or do anything, but I have to. Keep moving. Tomorrow, I'll work out and make up my weights. I'll do laundry and clean. I'll go to the store. I'll cook. I'll continue living, though I feel like I'm withering away. I kind of want to wither away to nothing. I feel like nothing, not worthy of being loved, nobody's true love. Just nothing.

My anger wants to go out and find someone who will want me, to show him I'm worth something. But that's not what I really want. Of course, what I really want isn't there, may never be there, because he can't see how special I am. He doesn't see how great we can be together, how great I am, how much regret he would have if I were gone. He doesn't know regret like he thinks he does.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all my worst fears are true, and he is meant to be with her and will go on to have the happy, perfect life he wants.

It's so unfair. I can't offer any of the things she has. They have that history. She doesn't have kids to weigh her down. She's independent. I am just a used-up housewife who has nothing like that.

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One Year Ago Today: