John did talk to me last night, and I was so happy. Some of it wasn't easy to discuss, but it was needed. His feelings about Rhonda were clarified some, though he's not even sure exactly how he feels. He did say there was not love or lust and explained that he would ask her out if he were single all along.

I touched on the subject of what she looks like too. He kind of laughed and asked if I wanted him to say she was ugly, not that he would do that. Of course, part of me did want to hear that. I know that how she looks isn't everything though, and plenty of gorgeous women are left for lesser beauty. But still, any woman knows there is some comfort in being prettier and more attractive. He asked if it would be enough to say something along the lines of, "You have nothing to worry about physically." That did provide some relief along with lots of other things he said.

Still, one issue came up that nearly sent the conversation out of control. I made a comment about her being the only one he was emailing, which was somewhat accusatory. He was very defensive about that, and I didn't mean that question to be inflammatory. It was the hurt talking. So he wasn't feeling open when I went on to ask about the emails themselves. He felt I was prying and untrusting because I would ask him to reveal everything, and rather than being about making me feel better and comfortable, he saw it as a privacy issue.

And his privacy is an issue for him, but it appeas arbitrarily from my perspective. He constantly talks about being open and honest and how he's probably too honest, but then he walls off these sections that are directly related to the problem and says I don't trust him. That hurts. Also, his defensiveness about certain parts of things related to her erodes the trust I really do have. I tried to tell him how I would share everything he wanted if he felt uncomfortable about something, and he countered that he would never do that and that we both need private sections of our lives. I agree with that. I have my journal, and it's off limits. Some of it I do post publicly, but not all of it. I keep some things to myself. But if he had insecurities, I would share whatever he needed. He can't do that. He has to keep parts walled off no matter what. He would rather I just deal with my discomfort than make it better when he has the power to do so.

He continued to be very defensive. I did apologize for being accusatory about only emailing her. I just told him how I was feeling and hoped it could diffuse things, because I could feel him withdrawing and pricking up like a hedgehog. And it got a little better, but I know I lost a little something.

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One Year Ago Today: