College was the fraternity years. Bad. I was so caught up in my romantic involvements that school went by the wayside. It was the beginning of the real mess that is my life. Friends were temporary, as were relationships. Somewhere in that time, I became friends with K. She was my second boyfriend's sister and asked me to go take pictures with her one day. We didn't really become great friends until I was married and had j and got involved with computer BBS's.

K and I have been friends ever since, and ours is the most enduring friendship I've ever had. I still consider her to be my best friend though there are a thousand miles between us. Long distance friendships are hard but not in the way of romantic relationships. I do need to keep in touch better, as always. I miss her. Sometimes I think I let that get in the way of making new friends here. I don't want to lose the special bond I feel, and I think I'm afraid that will happen if I make new friends. It always has in the past. I've had several long distance friendships. None of them were in my adult life though, and I never went to visit the places where those friends were. This is different.

I never really thought of this as a problem before.

New friendships just seem like too much work now too. I'm a lazy friend. I get tired of the expectations and the phone calls and the nights out. I seem to get along better with men because they don't seem to have as many expectations. If you don't feel like doing anything because you would rather sit on your ass, a guy is ok with that. A woman thinks you don't like her. Hell, I even do it. I want the world to revolve around me. Unless I don't. I want to be able to shut things off and on like a switch. Thing is... friendships don't tend to work like that. That's not what it is.

In an effort to be a good friend, I say yes to everything, do things I don't like doing and be a general doormat. I go to the other extreme, because I know I'm not that great a friend. I let myself get used, so my friends will think I'm there for them. In trying to get out of that, I'm not making any real friends here. It's been over two years, and I can honestly say I've only made acquaintances.

I kind of like it this way, but I don't have the release of having someone there for me when I'm crying so hard that my nose cries too. I don't have anyone to go have coffee with at ten o'clock at night. I don't even know anyone that likes coffee here. God, I miss K. I miss her so much I don't want to replace her.