We really need counseling. I don't know what in the world to do. I'm still trying so hard to be positive and not get depressed by John's complete lack of anything. He barely pays attention, even when I practically throw myself at him. It's very very hard to keep a positive outlook through this. I'm cracking every so often, even with the extra effort. I thought it was bad before, but I obviously didn't know what bad was. This is bad. And I am scared to death. I've put so much on the line. I am more vulnerable than I have ever been with him. Probably in my whole life, because I never remember opening myself up so completely to anyone. There is so much potential pain with that. No one could ever hurt me the way he could hurt me now.

I have no idea what is going on with him. He says that's what he is trying to figure out. But it just seems like he would rather be confused right now. Of course, I want him to just decide he will give us a shot and stop floundering like this. There is the other choice of giving up, which he is actually considering too, and I can't bear thinking about it. I've cried too much already. He seems to hate that, to hate everything. I can't help but wonder if he already made up his mind it's over, and he's just preparing himself emotionally to leave. It's my worst fear, and I can't get it out of my head.

He doesn't tell me he loves me. He's been forgetting to say goodnight. He doesn't touch me or put his hand on m yleg. He doesn't look at me unless I get right in front of him. He doesn't talk to me (even less than before). I feel invisible.

The times we talk, he always says, "I'm still here," so I have to hang onto that. He is still here. That's what I have right now.

Even when I was at my lowest, I was never like this to him. It wasn't a matter of me being "still here". I don't know. We're different, and he tells me to use that, so I will.

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One Year Ago Today: