Tapping into the feelings and pulling them out with words. Exploring the worlds I create, the ideas. Playing with sounds. Opening the gate that brings me out unfiltered. There are those moments when I feel open--splayed, head back, chest forth, arms and legs dangling, floating--and all comes easily. The naked creation pours out untainted. That is what I want; when I feel whole. Full.

He's gone now. Not coming back. And no one else will be with him. By now, he's not even that person anymore. Why didn't I know how happy I was then? But I didn't, and it's gone. He's the whole country away, years away, forever away. It's time to be what I am without anyone else. If I can. Some people just tap into others. Maybe that's what is meant by "soul mate." Maybe that's why I hate the term. Along with the ridiculous overuse of it.

Sometimes you find a person who just makes you a better person yourself. And if it really works, you do the same for him. I let that go. Twice. Some lessons go unlearned, because you never get a chance to test again.

So... since past is past, seeing what I can do seems wise. No amount of bashing will fit my life into the perfect mold. And waiting may find me dead before complete. Again, I have to convince myself to let go.

This comes up whenever someone reminds me of the past. Or when something happens that opens me up that way. Both have come recently. A heavy argument with John, ending in unresolved feelings and hopelessness contributed. But only a little, because my sorrow for the past and present tend to stay separated, though they overlapped at a time.

So many words to say so much nothing.

I'm cold. I'm not tired at all. I can't seem to hold a thought. I think I'll take a bath and just listen to music.

I still miss him. The memory.

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One Year Ago Today: