John's mom is looking at an apartment on Saturday. Yesterday, John called me and told me his parents' marriage is over for good. Decisions were made. A lawyer was called. Apartments are being visited.

For some reason, I found myself really angry after he told me. I've known it was doomed for a while. I had suspicions for a very long time. Still, I guess I hoped there could be something--his dad would redeem himself some way, his mom would come alive again. I guess it was the weeks of waffling leading up to a true break that aggravated me. Maybe I'm just more rash, or maybe it's all the years they had with each other. It's not about me though, and that's why I've kept my opinions to myself. John and I aren't even supposed to know all that we do.

And here I am broadcasting it to the world. I'm just tired of all the secrecy and dishonesty. This family is full of little secrets, and it's always hard to discern what's secret and what's not until you get in trouble for talking to someone you shouldn't. I quit being friends with John's cousin for that reason. I couldn't keep all the secrets from her I was supposed to keep. And she was even worse than I was, having no discretion whatsoever. I don't have a policy of brutal honesty, but I also don't subscribe to keeping secrets. I got sick of playing the game, and I pulled out entirely. I don't gossip with them, and I change the subject when they gossip to me. I don't share all the really gory details here just like I don't do it in my personal life. And if people are unhappy with me because I wrote about my thoughts and feelings, then maybe they will stop sharing the things with me that need to be spoken in hushed tones behind the backs of hands.

I've been feeling a little bitchy and glum lately. Is it apparent? It's not my in-laws divorce that has me this way, though it certainly doesn't cheer me up. I'm disgruntled with my life again, which means it's time to make some changes. I have the job. I have a plan. I'm exercising again. And now I'm realizing I don't really like the plan so much. It's looking more and more like the easy way. I'm doing what's expected of me, what will have a certain payoff, rather than doing what I know I really want. And that's enough to make a person feel squirmy and irritable, which I am.

When I first realized I was doing what everyone else wanted of me instead of what I wanted, I rebelled by ruining my life. I blew a full-ride scholarship, failed my first class ever, dated a bunch of guys that weren't good for me, got married, and got pregnant. I just had enough and threw everything away instead of just throwing away the things I didn't want, like taking my arm and sweeping it across a table to clear it, even though my favorite crystal glasses were on it. There was a short period where I started to go in the right direction, but I was so afraid of being rejected by my family that I withdrew. Only now do I realize my whole rebellion was a farce. The true rebellion would have been to continue doing what I loved.

Sometimes the price is so high, and when you're a mom, that price goes up. There's always the argument that I'm cheating my child, and now children, not to be true to myself, but how would it not be cheating them to live a life of poverty and want? What I want to do does not go hand in hand with money, and when I had the opportunity to do what I wanted without worries of money, I was submerged in my marriage. My relationships have been the distraction of choice ever since I gave up on the college/career life. And now I feel like I've chosen this path and pinned other people's hopes on it, and I don't want to let everyone down again. I'm tired of letting everyone down. I'm tired of being the person people talk about and say, "She could have really been something."

I'm rambling. These are the thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis now. I listen to the radio and hear these songs that seem to speak directly to me, telling me to do what I need to do. No wonder I'd quit listening to the radio for so long. I read books that dredge up all these old feelings inside me that I've been avoiding. I look through old journals and mourn all those years lost. I feel like I'm getting messages from the whole entire world to quit living the lie. But man, is that hard.

I think I need to read more light, fluffy books.

My dog is sleeping beside me with the tip of her tongue sticking out. I wonder if I ever do that.

I had to leave with something light. My depression was just too much.

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One Year Ago Today:
Nada, not for a year ago or two years ago