It would probably be easier if he hated me. The not knowing anything is killing me bit by bit, sometimes in chunks. I'm so tired of not getting any answers, tired of being ignored, tired of trying so hard for nothing.

We didn't get far in counseling, and it seems to have no effect on him. I want to say I'm frustrated, but that only touches a tiny portion of how I feel. I'm scared to death too. He doesn't even want to be around me anymore, and it just feels like he's preparing or trying to drive me away first. I may be lonely now, but I don't want to be entirely alone too. I have nothing here. My family, my support, it's all at least a thousand miles away, and I don't feel like I can move anywhere and make all of this harder on the kids. My only support is John's family, but if he leaves me, I don't even have that. I have tried to make friends, regardless of what John thinks, but it's not easy. Lots of people have established friends, like he has from grade school, and they aren't looking for something new. It's too much work, and they don't need it. Some things didn't work out. John's mom interfered with some. I've heard some other people who have moved here have the same trouble making friends. It's not easy, and I end up like this. So I'm really scared being entirely on my own with nothing.

I don't really even feel like writing now. I feel pretty awful.

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One Year Ago Today: