John has a conference call with his brother and Big Producer tonight. I asked a few days ago what it was about, and I got the standard, "I don't know." I find that hard to believe. The real answer is probably, "I don't want to talk to you." I found out about the call from BIL as it is. I was told this afternoon that he was going to BIL's for the call. When I asked why, he said because it was long distance. Nothing else, and I let it go, even though the last one was long distance took, and he did that here. But it's a burden to give me anything, it seems. He shuts me out of everything now. He couldn't even give me an idea of when he might be home. He said he'd call if he'd be late. I asked if that meant midnight. Again, it was, "I don't know," with the added, "I gotta go." Just asking got me a defensive, "I'm just going to be at BIL's," as if I was accusing him of running off somewhere. I never even considered that until he said that. Defensiveness when it's not needed does cause suspicion.
It hurts. That goes without saying. He can't seem to share anything at all with me, not even very normal, everyday things that normal couples share, like when they'll be home. It's all this big mystery. He may be confused and overwhelmed, but it's not hard to think of a time to be home or tell me about an important phone call or just say what he did when he goes somewhere. It took a lot for me not to lose it when BIL asked if John told me about the phone call and then said, "Doesn't he tell you anything?" It's not easy to say no to that. It's just another reminder of how he shuts me out of his life.
I feel so close to losing it. I'm not sure what that entails. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to start screaming at him. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to crawl in a corner and never stop crying. But not matter what, I always love him and want to be with him. It hasn't always been like that for me. I often thought about leaving, but now, all I want to do is stay. I finally realize all I have, but now, he may not want me anymore. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know what to do. I am scared and confused and overwhelmed too.
Despite all the work I've done on myself, I am struggling with feelings of worthlessness. It's a horrible feeling to be rejected, and even if he hasn't said, "It's over," I face little rejections every day. Not talking, not looking at me, not touching me, not sharing even basic information. Even though he tries to tell me none of it is personal, it is. It might not be directed just at me. It may be some broad feeling he has about everything. But to be his wife and be included in that circle... that is personal. It's like little pinpricks every single day, and my heart and soul leaks out of these hundreds of tiny holes. My marriage and my family were often all I counted on when I was struggling. I always knew John was there for me. He always wanted to be with me and had faith we could make it work. Now that's not there, and I'm adrift. He isn't sure anymore, so I can't be either. As much as I try to tell myself it isn't about me, I can't help but feel useless and unwanted. Part of that is because it isn't about me. I am a non-factor. I am nothing but a cause of more stress.
I really am trying to relieve some stress for him. I took over some of his chores. I don't criticize him. I let him go on the computer when he wants. I just asked that he tell me when he's going to be a while. But the one thing I haven't been able to handle is being ignored, blown off, or whatever he wants to call it. But maybe I need to learn to tolerate that for a while too. It just seems wrong to me... feels so wrong. I don't know. I keep thinking that if I quit trying, I'm dooming us. He certainly isn't trying anymore, so if I just let him go about his life as if I'm not a part of it, what does that leave us? But I can't do it alone, and that's where it is now. He's lost, and I'm along for the ride.
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One Year Ago Today:
