I still have so much work to do. I called Kay last night, because I was not doing well on my own. She wasn't home, but her husband was, and he asked how I was doing. I was able to talk to him for a little while, ask him a few things to see if he could give me some perspective. Like everyone so far, he doesn't know what's going on with John. He's had some of his own issues, but he said he's always known how he feels about his family, so he can't relate. I was really surprised when he made the comment, "What is he thinking?" and went on to say that I am reason enough for John to be sure of us. He said I was a quality woman and that John would be making the biggest mistake of his life if he let me go. I didn't to hear that from him. I always felt like he didn't like me all that much and that I was a bit of a bitch and a nag. He would have been right actually, but I thought he felt kind of sorry for John. Then there was this phone call, and he tells me I am really great. He wasn't dripping compliments or telling me how beautiful, wonderful, and perfect I am. He was the right amount of reassuring and sincerely concerned of me and the kids. He made sure to get a hold of Kay and had her call me after her meeting. It felt good to have someone care.

It was even better when Kay called. We talked a long time--not all about what's going on with me. She reassured me even more and gave me the support I really need now. I felt so much better after we talked. I might be alone out here, but I'm not alone. I should have called her a long time ago, but at least I did.

John had been home for a little while by the time Kay called. That felt good for me too, because he didn't stay away for a long time. I would have liked to have spent that time with him too, but it was OK. I think it's good for him to see me making connections with friends right now. He sat with me on the couch, which as so nice. He fell asleep facing me last night too and had his hand on me. I lay there, still and quiet, just soaking it in. I couldn't sleep, but it didn't matter. I enjoyed being close to him, feeling him touch me, listening to him breathe. I appreciated the time, the closeness. I just let it happen.

That's what I need to do right now--just let it happen. I will continue to work on myself and do my part to be a good wife.

---------------------------------------------

One Year Ago Today: