Bad Feelings

I had a bad feeling before I left for this whole trip. It had something to do with John. I hate to even write it down, because it seems like it makes it real. I just felt like he wasn�t going to miss me at all, that he was going to really enjoy being alone, and worst of all, that he would become interested in someone else. I don�t have any reason to suspect the last thing, but I felt it nonetheless, and it�s been bothering me ever since.

I know John will enjoy being alone. That�s the kind of person he is. He likes to be by himself and really needs his solitary time, something he doesn�t get often enough. It doesn�t bother me terribly that he�s like this. My problem is learning to let him have this time, so the time we spend together is better. I�m bad about leaving him alone, and he gets overloaded. This time away from the family is good for him in that way. He can recharge his batteries.

My problem with the whole thing is I worry he�s going to like that time too much. It�s hard for me to accept he�s not like me and doesn�t crave constant interaction. I need my alone time too, but it�s far less than he needs, so it�s hard for me to comprehend how he feels. I would find myself a lot happier if I catered to his needs a little more. I�m a bit selfish when it comes to his time management, because I�ve suffered a lot of neglect by him. I seem to be trying to make up for it, and that�s not healthy for him or us. So really, I�ve dug my own hole in that I�ve pushed him too much, and now he might like this time alone more than he would had I went with the flow. It�s my own doing, but I still don�t like it.

He assures me that he misses me, that he misses all of us. I don�t always feel it. He hasn�t responded to some of my emails, and that�s bothered me immensely. My feelings about those little things are heightened because I was sensitive before I even left. So when he doesn�t talk to me much while we�re on the phone, I don�t feel missed. He has acted differently this time than he has prior years we�ve went away without him, and that just heightens my sense of something amiss. I tried to explain to him why I felt the way I do, and he told me it was ridiculous. I hate it when he calls my feelings ridiculous. To dismiss them like that only hurts me more, escalating my sensitivity and my imagination.

My imagination is what brings me to my final fear: him finding another woman. He�s gone out very little while I�ve been gone. Every time I call, he�s home. He even stayed home one weekend day to clean the house when he could have gone to a band get-together. He told me how motivated he�s been to clean, how he�s been watering all my flowers and plants, and how he�s walking and playing with the dog since she�s alone all day long. He�s being more domestic now than when the family is there, which should only serve to reassure me that he�s not even exposing himself to a cheating situation, much less participating in one. So it�s entirely my own insecurities and made-up ideas about how he feels that is eating at me. But it is eating at me, and feeling unwanted doesn�t help.

I guess part of my fear is also based on the fact that he is carrying on counseling on an individual basis while I�m away. The doctor suggested individual counseling might be good for him anyway, and my trip made for a great opportunity for him to start.

Individual counseling hasn�t been easy for John. He has trouble discussing it with me. I probably shouldn�t even ask, but I�m terribly curious and haven�t been able to keep that in check thus far. It seems like he never thought there was so much wrong. I don�t necessarily think there really is all that much wrong with him, but he takes it harder than he should. I know I would do the same, so I really can�t blame him. I think it�s especially difficult that he seemed to be singled out by the doctor as needing individual counseling while I wasn�t. It�s never fun to be the one standing alone.

I try to be supportive, but I really don�t know how to do that I guess. Really, I�m too wrapped up in myself to be very good at it. I�m making it all much harder than it should be, and that does nothing to put me in a good position with him. Again, I am my own worst enemy.

Not only am I crappy at being supportive, but I also think I fear John opening up his closet of skeletons just as much as he does. It�s the typical worry of someone changing and leaving the other behind. I don�t want to be left. I know that if it came to that, John would be changing for the better, and it would be best for all involved. But knowing and feeling are two different things, and as angry and hopeless as I can get at times, I always love him more.

People sometimes do crazy things when they are afraid of change. John has always been stable, but he�s also never really faced these emotional issues before. It was always easier to lock them away and feel like they were behind him. So opening that door could really produce some unexpected results. I just hope the turbulence isn�t too much. I hope his stability holds through this personal storm. I don�t know if I have the strength if it doesn�t.

I�m trying to keep a firm grip on rationality and not being one of those crazy people that accuses her spouse of cheating when it�s clear that he isn�t. I�ve been on the other end of such an accusation, and it�s not fun. I have to keep my faith in John and not let my wild imagination get the best of me. Because really, that�s all this is. I�m going through some wild, unfounded notions. There is honestly no indication that he has even thought about doing such a thing. I�ve never had the feeling he�s cheated on me. I�ve never suspected it, and I don�t even suspect it now. I�m insecure, and I�ve always feared my husband cheating on me since I can remember thinking about being married. It�s my problem, and I need to keep it that way.