Little Relief

I felt a lot better at first after I talked to John that night, but now I�m back to feeling crappy again. I just don�t feel like he misses me. He talks to me on the phone no differently than if I was back in Pittsburgh, and he called me from work. He tells me about his day, the dog, work, the band, how tired he is. All the other times I�ve been gone, he would ask what I�m doing and how I�m feeling. He hasn�t said he misses me until after being bugged about it by me. He claims he�s doing all the conversation initiation, which he isn�t. Something just doesn�t feel right, and it�s bothering me.

Most of all, I feel sad. I feel sad every time I think about him. I feel like I should just stay here the extra few days I considered. But I�m afraid I�d be doing it more out of spite than because I really want to spend the time here, and that�s not the right reason. I tried to talk to John about how I feel, but he doesn�t seem to want to alleviate my worries. He thinks telling me I�m wrong and that he does miss me should be enough. Being told and feeling it are two different things though, and I�m definitely not feeling it. At all.

It seems like every time I call, it�s inconvenient. Many of the calls have been late at night, so I am being unreasonable in expecting him to talk to me coherently at those times, but that�s the only time I had. I�ve been busy doing things. Yesterday, I tried calling him several times during the day, but he was gone doing a lunchtime band gig and then went to a late lunch with his parents and brother. So my call during the day didn�t turn out, and I was left calling him late again. Today he is going to call me at about six my time, so maybe it will be a bit better. That�s what I�m hoping, but I�m not feeling very optimistic about it.

I know I�m looking to him to relieve my insecurities, and that�s not the right place to focus. I can�t help it in some ways, because the insecurity itself involves him. I don�t expect him to defend himself against wrongdoing he hasn�t committed, but I do expect to feel like he actually wants to be with me again.

It�s possible many of my feelings are coming from the fact I miss him fiercely this time. I didn�t even want to leave in the first place, and everything I do is tinged with a sort of sadness that he isn�t there to share it with me. I feel like this puts us further apart and not just in miles. I�m doing all these things I love to do, and he doesn�t seem to feel left out at all. He doesn�t seem to want to share it with me. That�s making a lot of assumptions, but I�m desperately looking for ways to explain my emotions. He�s done nothing to relieve them but give me lip service under pressure.

I am still having fun. The Colorado trip was fantastic, and since I�ve been back, we spent time with Kay, and I went to Beauty and the Beast with her, which was wonderful. Yesterday, I got on my mountain bike for the first time since I left, and I strapped on my inline skates for the first time in two years. I�m keeping with my training program, which makes me extremely happy too. There are lots of good feelings on this trip, but they are separate from John, and I don�t like that. I want to feel something good from him too.

It may sound like I�m focusing on the negative, but I�m not overall. Most of the time, I�m happy and active. I don�t sit and sulk over this issue, but it does bother me after I�ve talked to him or when I sit alone for a period of time, which is fortunately rare.

Today both my kids are gone. Hammy went to his dad�s, and Booie went with him. They have two girls about the same age as my kids, and the youngest adores Booie, so Booie is spending two nights there with them. It�s incredibly strange to have both my kids at my ex-husband�s house, but Booie was so excited to go that she got into their van as soon as they arrived and buckled herself in. She didn�t even say goodbye until I crawled into the van myself to give her a kiss. At least I get her back tomorrow. I won�t have my Hammy until the very end of July. It makes today a particularly lonely day.

I have to run and do strength training today, so that will keep me busy for part of it. I think I may get on my bike again today, even after my major wipeout yesterday. I�m seriously doubting my mountain biking abilities right about now, but I�m not giving up. Thankfully, it�s been very mild for July in Nebraska.

Kay wants to go out tonight. I don�t really feel like going out much, but I think I need it. I may feel differently about it later or when I�m actually out. I need to do something that will keep me from wallowing.