Can�t Sleep

I�m too awake. I feel tired, but I don�t feel sleepy at all. I really need to get up early tomorrow, so I can work out. I�m sure that�s why I can�t sleep. Murphy�s Law is hard at work.

I get to see my Hammy for the last time in two weeks tomorrow. I don�t know how I�ll do with that meeting. Right now, I think I�ll want to cry, but when the time comes, I�m sure I�ll be dry-eyed and smiling. That�s the way it always seems to go with me. Then stupid things make me cry, like commercials and dumb television shows. I even cried once while listening to a classical piece I can�t even remember now. I held back tears during Beauty and the Beast last night. I cry at completely inappropriate times and can�t muster a tear when my heart is being wrenched in two. I�m displacing my emotions. I don�t know what kind of defense mechanism it is, but I�m definitely doing it.

I�m getting my Booie back tomorrow too. I don�t suppose she will be too excited to go from all the fun and excitement of being with a playmate to the boredom of being at my grandma�s. We�re heading over there after Booie gets home. I want to spend some nice time with my grandma though, and Boo needs to learn that some treasures aren�t always packaged in a fellow five-year-old�s body. I have only seen my grandma one day since I�ve been here, and that�s far too little time. I hope it�s as nice a day weather-wise as it was today. Pretty days are always prettier at her place.

Somewhere in my day, I have to fit in about 35 minutes each of mountain biking and running. It might even be more than that, but I can�t remember right now. I�m rather dreading it. I�ve never done both in one day like that. I�ve mountain biked and walked before but never ran. I�m just getting to the point where I can run for 35 minutes as it is. I don�t know how I�ll do that and bike too. I better get the running out of the way first, because the biking always does my legs in.

I�m looking more a mess every time I get on that bike. I think I better work on some balance tomorrow as well. I�ve been doing some reading on mountain biking and learned there are some techniques and tricks that will probably help me. It never seems like anyone who actually rides has any good advice. They always seem to say to just get out and do it, and that�s not quite working for me. I�m getting scratched to pieces, bruised and cut. Instead of getting better with each ride, I experienced my first complete wipeout last time. I didn�t feel better at all and seemed to have even less confidence on that ride than I had before. The more I get out there, the more I worry I�m never going to be the least bit confident at riding by race time or any time. This kind of riding takes a lot of confidence, and I feel so cautious, nervous, and unsure that I�m not doing terribly well.

But I keep trying. I fall down and get back up again. I take a chunk out of the back of my leg and keep pedaling. I get the shit scratched out of me and ride on, so I must have something there. That�s what I keep telling myself anyway. I�m afraid John is going to have to deal with a few scars though.

My legs really look a mess right now. Between the scratches, bruises, bug bites, scabs, and crazy tan from wearing shorts while running and riding, I look like I�ve spent time on Survivor. Dresses are out of the question, and sandals are a joke. If I have to dress up for anything, it better be something where I can wear pants.

I�m getting to the point where I don�t care much how I look. I�m having a lot of fun doing what I�m doing while getting all banged up, so being picture perfect isn�t so important to me. I�m taking better care of myself now than I have in the past. I feel better about myself. Everything really seems to be moving in a positive direction as far as all this training is concerned, and it�s having a big effect. It�s like the sun is rising within me.

I ran three miles again today. I�m not running very fast at all. I could probably walk just as fast as I run if I walked at a quick clip, but I�m still running and doing it for three whole miles. The most I�d ever run before was two miles, so I feel a real sense of accomplishment. Running any distance was always very hard for me, so I�m quite proud of myself. At least I know I can get good at that portion of the race.

I think I�ll try to get to sleep now. John should be at work by now back in Pittsburgh. There�s some special stuff being done right now, and he had to go in. He probably wouldn�t believe I�m up right now too. Hopefully that won�t last long.