Restlessness

I did some cleaning and got the dishwasher running, but I can't seem to get myself to do anything more than that. I want to go somewhere or do something, but I want to do it with John. Since he's gone, that's a little hard to do. I hate weekends like this.

John played out Friday night and Saturday night. That wouldn't be that big a deal but we also had the party yesterday, which took up the rest of the day. Today, we were busy up until I dropped him off, and I don't know when he'll be back. We haven't spent any quality time together, and I always get out of sorts when that happens.

It's times like these that I end up getting into fights with him. He's not very understanding about my feelings on weekends like this. He doesn't need that time together like I do, but I suppose I'm assuming that. It doesn't seem like it, since he always opts to do other things. When he finally does spend time at home, he's too tired to do anything more than lie on the couch and watch TV. I always seem to get used-up John while everything else gets fun, attentive John.

I had a bit of this when we went to amusement park last week too. He used to like roller coasters and thrill rides except for the spinning ones. I can understand not wanting to spin, even though it usually doesn't bother me. I can't understand how you can ride every roller coaster there is at one time in your life to getting queasy and light-headed when you ride them later in your life. Maybe he's just out of shape. He says it's because he's old, which is a load of horseshit. No matter the reason, I hate it. If he had always been like that, I'd be ok with it. I can understand people being afraid of roller coasters. It seems like you either like them or you don't. If you don't, fine. I don't see how you go from liking them to not liking them that much without a traumatic event in between. It's not a major issue if it weren't for the fact that he's like this about a lot of things.

I don't want him to go back to being an irresponsible party animal that spends more time with friends than he does with family. I don't want him going to strip bars or drinking all the time. I do want to have a little fun though, and it seems like he's fresh out of fun, at least when it comes to doing things with me. Our fun seems to consist of going to watch the band, lying on the couch watching movies, or having sex. Not trying to lower the value of having sex, but those three things are a pretty limited definition of fun.

It's things like these that make me feel a little hopeless. It highlights our lack of common interests and overabundance of voids. Combined with the fact "that's just the way [he is]," I feel discouraged and lonely. This is a perfect time to use "I" language. Hopefully that will work better than the last time I tried.

Since we've had family in town, we missed two weeks of marriage counseling. This week, the therapist won't be in the office, so it will be three weeks missed. I don't think it's good for us to have such gaps between counseling sessions, but there's not much we can do. We also owe a good sum of money to them, so it's probably better we don't add to the bill anyway. Still, we aren't getting those weekly refreshers that we seem to need to keep us on track.

John has a bad habit of saving things up for counseling session, claiming "that's what it's for." Well, yeah, it is what it's for, but we're also supposed to work on these things at home too. If we only work on things while in counseling, as soon as we stop going, it will all fall apart. It's not like getting a tune-up on the car, but he seems to treat it that way. Every time we go in, she asks if we discussed things or set up a plan for housework or used our communication skills, and every week we say no. I suppose it's going to come down to me making it happen, and then I resent everything because I'm the only one making the effort again. I don't like having to lead John by the nose through all of this.

His individual therapy stirred up a lot of crap, and I can understand that, but he's now using it as a crutch. When he feels down, it's always because he's "working things out." He has a lot of things coming out that he doesn't know how to handle, and it makes him shut down in other areas of his life, namely us. I want to help him deal with all of this, or more correctly, be supportive of what he's doing, but I get tired. I need some attention too. That's what's been the problem from the very beginning of our relationship, and I don't think it's fair to expect me to endure even more of it without any relief.

Last night, he said he feels guilty because he doesn't know how to express himself. This baffles me. I don't know how a person can not know how to express himself, but I listen and offer what advice I have. Last night, I just listened, and it was a lot easier than trying to relate my side of the issue or help in any way. I don't know how well it worked, but we didn't argue, and I did feel a little better. That doesn't help me a whole lot now when I could really use him here, but it's probably a step in the right direction overall.

Meanwhile, I feel guilty on top of everything, because John is spending a day with his dad and Hammy. Hammy really needs John too, and he needs that time where they do things alone together. It's a nice boys day out, and I don't resent that. It's just the timing. Timing is often a problem with us. John's never very aware of how long I go without him and seems to think piling it on is ok as long as the reason is a good one. He always figures he'll make it up later. The problem is, he doesn't make it up later, because he's too worn out from doing so much or doing something else. It's one thing after the other with him, and I get stuck with the leftovers.

I'm really feeling bitchy and whiny. This probably isn't the time to be writing, but I guess that's what writing is for. I'm getting it out without venting to him and causing a ruckus. This most certainly would cause a big argument, especially if I wasn't careful about how I presented it. I have to use our communication skills from therapy, so he doesn't feel defensive. He just has to keep himself in check enough to use his own communication skills too. Last time I got the same old reasoning and explanations, even though I was using "I" language like a pro. I had to throw a fit and leave the room for him to realize what he was doing, so I can't say "I" language was a complete success.

I really need to find something to do, so I quit mulling this over and feeling more and more cheated. It's not like there aren't a million things waiting for me, but I have to choose the one that won't let me think so much. Too bad I don't have a good book right now.