My Knight on a White Horse

Why does it seem like every time I think my life is so dandy, something less than dandy has to come up and slap me in the face? Maybe that's the cycle of things, for where else can you look but down when you're at the top? Or maybe that's just me.

John and I have been doing well, but I guess there was something eating away at me that I hadn't realized. So when he pissed me off last night, I looked back on the past few weeks and found myself saying, "Hey, this has been a little sucky for a while." Not that I've been oblivious to anything really bad. There are just a lot of little things that are important to me that he's overlooked. Since I've been in a good mood and tend to see the good in everything when I am, I overlooked these things as well.

We argued last night. It's been a while since we've argued� seriously argued. There have been little things that got smoothed over pretty quickly. I notice now that I let some things go too, and maybe I shouldn't have. I have a tendency to let things go, but not really. I let them go and pile them up until I can't take it anymore, so I blow up and use everything in the pile as fuel for the fire. Not very good.

I don't like this. I don't feel like I'm really conveying how I feel. I'm narrowing my focus too much. I can't seem to think very clearly either. I'm still a little irritated.

Without explaining anything at all, I just wish John would want to swoop in and save me from a problem once in a while, to be the knight on a white horse. I feel too responsible for everything in our family, our relationship and our home. I feel like the only adult a lot of the time. This is magnified when I'm unhappy. I feel victimized and pitiful. It's not productive or helpful in any way, but I'm tired of having to always be the productive, helpful one. I want to be the one who gets helped sometimes.

I feel like I always have to solve my own problems and everyone else's too. If I were a truly responsible adult, I wouldn't even be whining about this right now, but I'm overwhelmed. Maybe if it were only my own load I was carrying, I could handle it. But it's not. I have kids to worry about, and I have a husband who needs told or asked for everything. Sometimes, it's like having three kids.

I feel bad saying that. I know he's not a kid. He doesn't act like a kid most of the time. He goes to work every day and bears a lot of responsibility. I know that, and it makes me feel guilty to say he's being childish in other ways, because he does carry such a big burden himself. But when it comes to the family, the house and our relationship, he is childish in lot of ways. Maybe the word I'm looking for is na�ve, but I tend to think of na�vet� as being something akin to ignorance. To be na�ve, you must not know there is a problem. He knows. He knows and chooses to ignore it, or at least do nothing about it.

Oh, but I feel guilty for saying that too, because he's going to counseling and taking medication. That's a big step for him, but I feel like he's using the simple fact that he's going as a crutch. Yes, he's going to counseling, but he's not actually doing the things he's been told would be helpful. He never finished The Five Love Languages book we were supposed to read. I could be wrong, but I think he read most of it and never finished. He has yet to spend the 15 minutes a day talking with me for more than a few days. He doesn't use "I language." He doesn't say how he feels. He's still hair trigger defensive. I had to corner him to make him talk to his mom like he was told to do back in June. It seems like the only reason he does anything at all is because I make him do it, and how is that helpful?

I'm falling into the same pattern I always do. I compensate for other's shortcomings. I did it in school when there were group projects, and I was the one doing all the work while everyone else benefited from the A, and I do it now. I'm doing it with him. In essence, I'm a control freak. He's not going to do anything as long as I always do it for him. Why should he? He pays for it with the occasional argument, and then he can sit back while I pull the wagon.

I have to go into the office now, so I'll have to stew on this some more and come back to it. I'll try to work out first, so I get out some of my aggression.