I had to make a trip to Nebraska last week. My grandma died early in the morning on the 4th. Since I was crying quite a bit already earlier in the week, since I knew she was going, I didn't cry as much as expected when I finally got the news or throughout the whole funeral. Not that I didn't cry, because I did plenty of that. Sadly, I think going through two deaths already helped prepare all of us as well.

I miss my grandma, but she was ready to go. I can't say I wish she was still alive, because her health was so poor, and she was praying for God to take her. The only way I wish she were still here is if she could be healthy and happy--two things she hasn't been for quite a while.

I will always remember her as the energetic, talkative, active, independent woman I knew most of my life rather than the frail woman to which she was reduced. She ran her farm on her own for many years, sold Avon and Watkins which were more of a social occasion for her than a job, and was very active in church. There were so many people at her service that the church had to pull out extra folding chairs, and some people stood, and that's with a lot of friends and family unable to attend. She was well-loved by me and so many other people. Now she is at peace, enjoying the company of her husband whom she's missed more than 30 years and her many friends who preceded her in death.

John went with the kids and me, as he said he would. He stayed the weekend, as usual. We talked more about our relationship, discussing some of the issues that could cause problems for us. He said he would like to come home but was still wary of ruining things, so we tried to talk about it. I told him my concerns, including fear of him leaving again. He said he didn't feel comfortable returning if I couldn't trust him. I said if he could tell me he was dedicated, wanted to put his ring back on, and could tell me he wouldn't leave again, I could accept that. He admitted he planned to put his ring back on before we left for Nebraska, and he stopped by his apartment on the way to the airport for him to pick it up. I had him put mine back on me the night before.

Since we've been back, he has stayed, so I believe I can call his return official. So my Valentine's Day came early this year, though I still hope there is something special to come today.

We have counseling this evening. We still have a few things we have to work out. I hope it goes well, and we are able to get closer to the comfort I crave.

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One Year Ago Today: