I knew things wouldn't be the same if John came back home, but I didn't know exactly what that meant. I thought maybe our counselor would be able to provide some suggestions as to what to expect, but she only said it's probably best not to have an agenda and just go with things without completely ignoring our expectations. We haven't really talked about much of anything, and I'm not anxious about it. I guess what I am worried about is making John happy and not repeating the same old mistakes I always did.
The more we have talked over these past few weeks, the more it's become apparent that his desire to leave wasn't just about him like he originally said it was. I suspected that all along, because no matter how much responsiblity one person assumes, it takes two. It was one of the things I realized over the past year, one of the things I realized too late to keep John from leaving in the first place. From my own memory alone, I know I blamed him entirely for the state of our relationship for years. And if my old brain failed, there are pages and pages of this very diary to prove it.
So many of the things I read about separation and divorce said not to blame myself, but I can't say I fully agree with that. One of the big problems between us was that I hadn't blamed myself for anything at all. It was entirely possible assuming my own responsibility would have had no effect, but I knew not doing so would have ensured a lonely future for me.
John has said many times to look at this as an opportunity, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that. I am not holding grudges, and I don't feel a need for him to make up for leaving me. I think he's paid more than his share of dues in the many years of living with a raving, depressed, negative, close-minded bitch. I'm not entirely at ease though, because I really want to make our future wonderful, and I need a better definition from him of what that means to him. I suppose the best thing to do is ask.
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One Year Ago Today:
