My Notify List works now, if you're interested.
I already took Advil. It slowed things down a little. Gave me about an hour and a half. It's all downhill from here. I can't take anything else right now, or it wears off while I sleep, and I wake up feeling like my head is being crushed. I wish I were exaggerating. I really really do. There's actually an advantage to having your head crushed though. Your head stops hurting. I just keep feeling it and get the bonus of puking from pain. I would rather have another baby.I don't know what to do with myself now. Summer TV blows. Anything active is out of the question. I still don't have a book, because I haven't hauled myself to a bookstore or the library. I prefer the bookstore though because I always end up paying a fine to the library. A big one too. I forget and procrastinate, so I may as well buy the book for myself. I like libraries. I think they're good. I like to support them, but not through countless fines. And I'm sure the librarians appreciate not having to call me several times. I know I like not being nagged, even if I do deserve it. So everyone's happier when I buy my books. I can always Bookcrossing them later. Haven't done that in a long time. I have quite a few ready to go too. If I knew where they were.
I keep thinking about tackling some cleaning and organizing, but I know it would be a mistake. I'm actually in the mood for it if I didn't have this stupid, aching head. At least I'm still managing to make progress on laundry, which makes progress in that room. I can handle doing a load every 40-50 minutes. As long as I don't drop anything. Dropped stuff stays down.
I have been watching John play Magic Online. He's in a tournament tonight, but there's big breaks in between matches while everyone finishes their round. The past couple matches, he's lost quite quickly. Then he gets angry. I said something about calming down, and he went off on me. He does that every time I say anything about him being angry or mean. He immediately says I want him to have emotione then get upset when he does and that maybe if he's allowed to be angry, he'll have other emotions too. I feel like he's telling me I have to pay my dues, like thirteen years of neglect isn't enough. Regardless, the logic in it doesn't hold up. Anger is easy. And it's not the window to other emotions. But he presents it like I should be happy about it, as if he hasn't even been able to express that all along. I'm really sick of his excuse and faulty reasoning. It isn't some gateway. I'm not going to be happy about it. I'm not even going to put up with it. I will not put up with being fed crap in hopes of something better next tim.
I can actually see him withholding positive emotions because I didn't just take it. He won't do what's right because he's angry with me for not putting up with his bullshit. He likes to think he's not spiteful, but if expecting me to deal with his anger and get nothing else isn't hateful, I don't know what is. I'm way too familiar with the negative emotions from him.
I'm really hurt, and I suspect he's stewing. He's getting more upset over a game than he typically gets about important things, like his marriage. And then there's probably the added hostility because I couldn't put up with him. The thing is, I already had. He was a bit of a dick to his previous opponent, even though the person was annoying. I listened and even sympathized when he got bad shuffle after bad shuffle. I didn't even freak out or anything. I just said it happens that way sometimes, and it sucks, but he should calm down. It probably set him off how I said it. I'm not even sure exactly what I said, but I wasn't bitchy. Now I'm in here with my trusty journal, and he's watching a Pirate game. Because he wouldn't want to address anything. That wouldn't be avoiding in hopes it will go away. John's answer to everything. Maybe I should just go away. It seems to be what he wants.
I'm sure the next load of laundry is ready, but I don't want to go out there. It can just wait.
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One Year Ago Today:
