I have a dilemma. John and I have wanted John to adopt Hammy for years. X actually agreed and set the process in motion right before we moved out here, but it fell through because John could not get back to Nebraska for court, and there were problems with residency because of the move. X was out $600 and understandably not happy about it. I felt guilty about everything. X said he would still do it, but we would have to arrange and pay for it. That was seven years ago.

Since then, nothing has happened, even though we have had the money on a few occasions in seven years. I was the only one to bring it up between John and myself. In seven years. When I did bring it up, money, meaning loss of child support, was always the issue. Finally, about two months ago, John asked a lawyer about the cost. It was $1200 if uncontested. This was after we bought the treadmill and the laptop. So, money again prevents it.

I am absolutely sick of this being about money. For me, it isn't about the money at all. It's about John being Hammy's dad. It's about Hammy keeping the family name we've been illegally using thanks to the lawyer's letter seven years ago that let us register him in school with it. It's about keeping my kids together should anything happen to me. It's about John having parental rights to Hammy. For me, it's everything but money. But it isn't really about me at all. Or at least it shouldn't be.

So if it's not about me, how do I end up handling everything? I've been the one asking John. I asked Hammy if he still wanted to do it. I asked X then and recently. It seems I am the only one of the adults that wants this to happen. Hammy wants it, but he can't make it happen. And I'm not really even sure how much he wants it, so I don't know that I'm even serving as an advocate for him. Maybe I'm the only one that really wants this. No matter how good my reasons are for wanting it, and keeping my kids together if I should die seems like a perfect one, I can't push the issue when I'm only peripherally involved.

I have been stuck with the task though. And now there is the added complication of a child support review. I received a letter from the state of Nebraska a little while ago stating I could ask for a review that would happen if there would be more than a 10% increase in support or if medical coverage was an issue. I've never asked for a review, even though X makes significantly more than when support was set. He could have been paying more for many years had I asked for a review a long time ago, but I didn't. I never felt right about it, but now I wish I had done it sooner. Hammy does have a lot of expenses, and what I get in support does not cover half of those, especially now. We've had some rough times too, but I still didn't request a review. So X has had a pretty easy go of things because I've been nice. Now that Hammy is costing so much more and only going to continue to become more expensive as he progresses in high school and starts driving (Hello, huge car insurance!), I am going to request a review. I warned X about it, which is more than I needed to do. He's not happy about it, and he's worried about being able to afford it. He suspects the increase is going to be really large, like four times what it is now, but that's not going to happen. I would think it would be double at most.

Because of the child support potentially increasing, X made almost an immediate 180 on adoption. Not only that, he threw out the idea of helping to pay for it to move it along more quickly. He said there is no way he can afford an increase in support. That irritates me not only because the adoption shouldn't be so dependent on money but because he doesn't want to truly support his son. Even if Hammy moved in with X, which would be cheaper than paying for him in a separate residence, what X pays now in support wouldn't cover the expense of a 14-year-old boy. But it's OK for John to pay it without any rights at all as a parent.

When X and I were together, he was a very good dad. No matter how things were between us, he was good to Hammy. I understand him needing an adjustment period when we split up, but it didn't end. He was terrible about spending time with Hammy or even calling. X got better when he remarried because his wife made him, but even that only went so far. When we moved, X didn't call often, leaving Hammy to do most of the calling. Sometimes, X would promise to call and not do it. He didn't contribute one penny toward Hammy's Florida trip which was about $900. I've sent a package of school pictures almost every year without reimbursement. Last year I took a while, and all X and his wife did was bitch. This year, I decided not to do it. X dumps things on Hammy that aren't appropriate, lassoing him into their constant drama. He falls short of abuse, but he causes Hammy more heartache and worry than he should.

John might not be the best father ever, but he's very reliable, and he loves Hammy as much as his own child. He's been there for Hammy all these years, supported him, felt a bond with him. He deserves rights as a parent. John would be heartbroken if something happened to me, and he lost Hammy, but as it stands, that's what would happen. He wouldn't just lose his wife; he would lose his son too. And Booie would lose her mom and brother. This is so not about money, or even the name.

X suggested that if we were going to do the adoption anyway, why would I ask the state for a review of child support if we would be giving up support altogether. If we didn't need the money at all, we shouldn't need a child support increase. I said it's because the adoption is more important. But I also realize it's about parental rights and responsibilities. With the rights come the responsibilities, including the financial. As it stands, John bears the majority of the responsibilities and always has, but he has no rights whatsoever to Hammy. It's worth it to John and me to lose that money in order to guarantee Hammy stays a part of John's and Booie's lives. But if that's not possible, it's time X step up in some way and bear his portion of the burden. I haven't demanded that, and I should have all along. I can't make X call or email or be there emotionally, but I can do it financially.

Even if the adoption were to happen, I would not cut X out of Hammy's life. Nothing will change that X is Hammy's dad or that Hammy loves and needs him. I would make sure Hammy kept X's family name as part of his name, either as a second middle name, or if necessary, the middle name. I would not deny visitation. In fact, I would still encourage and support it. If there were a way for Hammy to legally have two dads, I would do that. But there isn't a state that has done it yet.

John said that if the adoption doesn't work out, we can see how to go about securing rights for John. I suspect that will cost as much or more than an adoption, but it's important. We should have done it years ago.

I'm not sure what is going to happen, but we need to figure it out soon. Hammy is going to be looking at a name change in all his school records soon if the adoption or a name change doesn't happen. Graduation, driver's license, and any other official matter that requires a birth certificate will demand it. I think that alone will be hard on Hammy. I made a mistake not changing his name back when the first adoption fell through. I feel bad about that. I certainly don't want to make his life stressful. I didn't want him to feel like he was different from us in any way either. And I really thought we were going to do the adoption much much sooner. This is another example of it being better to base decisions on what is rather than on what you expect or hope.

I don't know why Hammy having the same name means so much to me. It doesn't even have anything to do with X either. I actually always liked X's name. It's just something about feeling like Hammy is mine. Maybe it's like Booie liking to write her name on everything. I want Hammy in our circle. Realistically, I know it makes no difference what his name is. Something in my heart says it's important to me. But it's also something I'm willing to sacrifice if that would mean guaranteeing my family stays together no matter what. And if Hammy won't be hurt by having his name go back. He's what's important in all this.

John said that too and even encouraged X and Hammy talking through it at length, something that made me nervous. I know how overly dramatic X is and how influenced Hammy is by that. But they do need to talk. I wish we all could talk together though. There's no way for that to happen anytime soon, so I'll just have to hope X doesn't overdo it too much.

Now it's a matter of wait and see. I'll request a review and get that moving. We have about six to seven months before Hammy is even eligible to get a driver's permit, so the name issue won't come up. I imagine we'll know before then if he's going to be one or the other anyway. Whether I want it to or not, the money issue will probably be the deciding factor. That probably means the adoption will go through. But we'll see. Nothing to do but what I can control.

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