Losing Interest

I don't know how I could be doing something with my life and become more boring at the same time. Before, all I did was take care of kids, husband, animals and house, and I thought of much more interesting things to say than I do now when I'm getting out of the house every single day. What is up with that?

So let's see� I'm quite happy right now. I get dressed in real clothes every day, and I go to an office where I do a little piddling on some graphics programs, but mostly I watch my father-in-law do stuff. As boring as that might sound, I'm learning more than anyone probably thinks I am, but I do think that time is about up, and I'll need to get my hands dirty in order to progress any further. He told me I'll be doing more tomorrow, since there are no more deadlines looming by the close of that day. I'm thinking that he ought to just throw a project my way and let me flounder with that for a while, asking questions and figuring things out as I go. I think I'm ready for that. It's how I've always learned things at home, like HTML (oh, don't even start!) and Photoshop. So maybe next week I'll have things to bitch about when I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I get knocked off my high horse thinking I know so much more than I do.

The home life, though still messy as all get-out, is going quite well. John and I are getting along so well that neither of us wanted to go to counseling for fear we might drudge up some bad feelings. The week before, we had so little conflict that the session was over in forty minutes. This time, we got on the subject of inlaws again, so it lasted much longer. Now we know, if there's nothing going on between us, talk about our families, in particular, John's family. The therapist seems to be fascinated with John's family dynamic, and we almost always go over our time whenever they come up. And here I thought my family with all its religious fervor would be the more interesting of the two. Not so.

I think the whole talking about the family thing will only last so long though, so either he and I are going to have to start fighting again, or its time for him to go it alone. John decided he will start individual therapy. I guess we'll go one more time together before he does that. That probably means the fights will start up again, because that's the way things always work, isn't it?

In preparation for his own sessions, and because we had some vacation issues to work out, John had lunch with his mom this week. He finally told her we've been in couples counseling since April and that he thought he had things of his own to work out now. She was very supportive, even offering to go with him if he needed it. That woman would go to the ends of the earth for her boys, I tell ya. He also brought up our fear that we might not be able to afford the usual beach vacation this year because its possible John's contract might be canceled at the end of December, meaning his pay gets cut in half until he gets a new contract.

Oh, did I forget to mention our possible financial collapse? I suppose I've been avoiding the issue, because it's� well� scary, to say the least. We're keeping our fingers crossed the big healthcare corporation where he works will wise up and realize that they need a few of these contractors they are ready to kick out the door on the eve of the new year. I know contractors are not known for their necessity, and there are a million jokes about how expendable they are, but sometimes they are very valuable. John is one of those as are a couple others in the area where he works. He's the most senior member of his team, knows the most information, and usually is the one to get the most work done. That team will be hurting without him, but bureaucracy never recognizes those things until it shoots itself in the foot. That would mean at least a month or two of making half of what he does before the conglomo comes crawling back to him. That would also mean misery for us during that time. Here we just buy a house, and this happens.

The good news is our truck will be paid off by that time, so that's a good chunk of money that won't have to be thrown out the door anymore, like we could actually pay that bill anyway. Still, half of the money that currently comes in won't be enough to cover everything, and you can guess what that means. Yes, I will have to get a real job. I can only pray that I have enough experience by that time to get a job doing something in the graphics field, because if I have to work food service again, even for a short time, I would have to find a way to kill myself so that John would still collect on my life insurance policy. It's an ugly scenario. Ug. Ly.

But you know what? I'm not worrying about that right now. The last thing I need to be doing is dwelling on such gloom when things are going so swimmingly. I'm using my happy lamp every day. I'm writing. I'm learning something interesting that I can do with my life. I don't need to think about stupid money.