Not Working

John's supervisor verified yesterday that he won't have a job with that team at the end of December. It seems not all contractors are being disposed though, just the contractors on certain teams. John's team supervisors didn't stress the importance of their contractors to the higher-ups, so theirs were cut.

But he didn't bring home only bad news. Since there are positions for contractors on other teams, it's possible he might switch teams. As a matter of fact, one team supervisor has been eyeing John up for a long time in hopes to lure him away from his current team. John is talking to him today. I guess he's talking to someone else too. I hope something comes of this.

There is a part of me that hopes he doesn't stay with that company though. He's miserable. He hates what he does. He hates where he works. He hates the commute. He hates the bureaucracy and politics that come with a big corporation. He dreads work every single stinking day, and I hate to see him stay at a place that does that to him. This contract cancellation could be the thing he needs to get out of there and find something that, if not great, could at least help him quit hating his life ten hours a day, five days a week.

That part of me that craves security has a very hard time with this though. That side of me wants him to find another position as soon as possible and just suffer the consequences of being a corporate drone, at least until our financial position is better. And it is getting better, but it's not better enough to take much of a pay cut at this point. We're still paying off all the credit cards that we stupidly charge to their limits, and we don't have a lick of savings to our name. Ok, we have a lick� a $12 lick back in a Nebraska savings account we opened with a credit union just to get one of those stupid maxed-out credit cards. Moron, thy name is Cindy. And John.

But we're smarter now, and we closed all those accounts, and we're crawling our way back out of the pit of revolving credit, but we aren't out yet. We aren't even at a resting point yet. It's not that far off though. We just need another year or so of John's big income, and we'll be practically done paying for our credit transgressions, because every penny of what we were paying toward our truck is going to credit cards. It won't be long, but it's long enough that December is way too close.

It probably seems silly that I don't work outside the home when we have this kind of debt load, but we've been able to handle it, because John makes so much money. We were not yet enlightened when John started making lots of money, and we dug ourselves deeper at the time. We managed to put ourselves at the same percentage of debt load within a couple months of his pay increase, and that was the trend since we've been together. It wasn't smart. We weren't smart, as I think has been shown time and again, but we always kept things at a level where I could stay at home and raise our kids.

That's how we wanted things to be. It's not that I think daycare is bad or that kids don't turn out well with two working parents. I wanted to be the one doing all the raising though. I didn't want to pick my baby up from daycare to hear all the firsts she did that day. I dealt with it enough with Hammy, and I refused to do it again. I would know how my baby/toddler/child was being raised if I were the one doing it. In a way, my motivation to be a stay at home mom was a selfish one, and it was one John and I shared, so we decided I would stay home if we were to have a baby.

We also both agreed I would progress on some sort of career/life plan once both kids were in school full time. I always talked about going back to school, but as the time drew near, I realized I didn't want to do what I planned to do when I was in college over ten years ago. Interior Design and Architecture as a double major didn't seem realistic at 32 years old. Even doing one didn't really appeal to me any more, and that was the main factor that prickled the resistance to school I felt. But I didn't have an alternative. I didn't know what I did want to do, and I didn't really bother finding out what it might be either.

I've always had that problem. I like so much that I have a hard time choosing just one. I switched majors three times in college before I made the decision to double major rather than choosing only one. There was business, law and teaching before I settled over in housing inside and out. And it's not like there were even similarities in those things. I have diverse interests, and it doesn't always serve me well. It still doesn't.

So how did I narrow it down to graphic design? Well, it still has the design elements I love. I'd have some level of creativity, and how could I not exploit my father-in-law already being in the business. It's something I've dabbled in at home too, so I know a bit about it. I would spend hours designing the newsletter I made when I was a Longaberger consultant and creating graphics for the band and my own site. I could probably do it with a minimum of schooling, so there are no additional large student loans to worry about. It's certainly not the only thing I might like to do, but it seems like a good idea right now.

There's no income in it for me right now though. If I were to do something that pays, it wouldn't pay much. My marketable skills lie in secretarial work with a focus on the medical field and food service. Of course, there is a history in childcare and retail sales as well, but those are even lower on my list of things I want to do. Regardless, none bring in a bucketload of money, so I would really rather focus on training for something that pays a little better and doesn't make me feel as rotten as John does every day.

That wish all lies in John having a job come January. If he's out of work and collecting a bench salary, I will have to get a job. I'd do it, but that would put off my real goal even longer. I know there are people out there suffering layoffs and not being able to find work more than has happened in years, but that doesn't mean I should have to be there too. I always hate it when people tell you it's ok to be miserable because others are miserable too. There have to be some people happy with what they do. We can't all be unhappy because someone has it worse. I don't want pity. I'm willing to deal with things if I have to deal with them, but I don't want to have to deal with them is all. That doesn't seem unreasonable.

It's not like John's entirely unhappy with everything in his life either. I support his music and suffered through a whole lot of crap for him to realize a dream. So it's not unfair for me to want to do something with my life that doesn't make me want to lay under a bus instead of ride it to work. I will do what I have to do if the need is there, but until then, I'm going to do what I want to do.

I haven't pushed John either way as far as the work decision goes. As much as I desire that security, I do still want him to be happier. I told him that, and I'm leaving the rest to him. It will affect me, but I don't feel I have the right to tell him to stay in a place he hates. If he can take it, he'll do what he can to find another position. If he can't, I'll support that and get a job. Meanwhile, I bitch, worry, fuss, whine and overanalyze.

The whole reason I have all this time to write and mull this over is because poor Booie is home sick today. Thankfully she's old enough now that she can get to a garbage can instead of barfing all over her bed or herself, so I haven't had to do any cleaning. It's good for me, but it doesn't make her feel any better. I'm using the unexpected day off to catch up on housework that suddenly doesn't seem as bad as it did when it's all I did. I also plan on catching up on my novel some more. I feel like things are moving forward with that better now. I'm kind of bummed that I'm missing what was supposed to be a good training day, but I like having the time to catch up. Now I just have to use it.