No Question

This is why I feel like shit every day for the past week and a half to two weeks. I am up at this hour of night. It's insane. I'm finally tired, and I will want to sleep until 10 or 11 again tomorrow, repeating this dreadful cycle. Even when I wake up, I don't get rolling until about 7:00 at night, at which time I should be winding down. After a few months of having a regular sleep cycle and thinking I was cured of this insomnia, it's come back with a wicked vengeance. School is on the horizon. This is not the time for this.

Not sleeping well is never convenient, but I would have rather suffered a bout of insomnia in the middle of summer rather than at the end when I was hoping to get myself set for an early rise to get the kids to school. I have lots of things to do these last couple weeks of summer too. Our neighborhood block party is this weekend. Hammy and Booie both have pool parties to go to this weekend as well. Next week there are doctors' appointments. The following weekend is the local Community Day and Booie's family birthday party. Then it's just a week until school. There are clothes to buy and routines to establish. I can't be doing all of this stuff from 7 PM to 2 AM. The world doesn't work that way.

Though it seems I am still getting an appropriate amount of sleep, it is riddled with troubling dreams and interruptions. I haven't had a continuous night's sleep for more days than I care to count. Ticking off days only sinks me deeper in frustration, increasing the problem. Stress makes the insomnia worse and the sleep more fitful.

My mood has turned sour over the past two days too. I'm sad as well as quick to anger. I told the kids yesterday to please excuse my snappiness. I know I'm acting inexcusably, but I haven't the capabilities to stop myself before my emotions flare. I felt a deep need to cry in the afternoon, but nothing would come out. All coping mechanisms seem bound by this deficit of rest.

I tried some chamomile tea this evening. It never worked for me any other time, but I am desperate. It didn't work this time either. I have never gone so far as to resort to sleeping pills, but I'm honestly tempted to take them for a couple nights, just to get some rest. Maybe my body's clock just needs reset. I'm willing to try just about anything. I can't remember the last time this went on so long. I'm so drained.

I'm beginning to feel ill now too. I know my immune system weakens as the nights go by in wakefulness. My digestion was the first to suffer, compounded with my desire for and submission to comfort food. Next came the dull, constant headache. My wits are scattered. Now I am beginning to feel stuffy. I am completely weak, completely vulnerable. I expect a full-fledged cold to develop over the weekend.

I really don't know what else to do but complain now. Besides the temptation of sleeping pills, all avenues are taken. I am left with nothing but drugs and self-pity. I thought maybe through indexing the failures, I would finally come to tears and vent some of the frustration that's stretched my emotion skin so tight. But it seems I have yet to find the solution. Or maybe there just isn't a solution at all, and I'm just wired to malfunction every so often. As bleak as I feel, that seems most likely.