Excavation

I went to counseling by myself last night. It was something I wanted to do, something I would have asked to do, but it worked out that way without my having to say a word. John is busy with work and couldn�t leave in time to make the appointment, and the doctor was going to suggest we come in individually anyway. I go myself again next week, because John�s work is crazy at least until the end of the month. I need the alone time anyway.

I don�t know how clear it�s been that I�ve been depressed. I never know how well I translate through writing. I try to avoid moping and whining all the time, even though that is often what I want to be doing. Regardless whether it comes across or not, I�m depressed. I�ve been depressed for a few months now. I haven�t said anything about it in counseling.

I vowed to myself that I�d tell the doctor how I felt. I pep-talked myself all week long. I have often said I would go in and tell her, but then I�d chicken out or let the session wander in other directions. When John and I were there together, I felt like it would be ridiculous to waste that time on me when we were there for us and for him. This week, I knew I had no better excuses than any other time I went myself. I was determined. I would not let myself down.

You know a good counselor when you walk in and tell her things and she knew something was up all along. She said that was why she suggested we come in individually. She knew I was holding back. She knew I had things I wanted to say that I didn�t feel comfortable saying in front of John. Some I just didn�t feel comfortable saying at all. But I said them. I did it. I said them.

I gave voice to fears and realizations and sadness. I told her about my reluctance to go back to work and how it had nothing whatsoever to do with my own need to do it. I told her how hard it was to write the resume and then to write the cover letters and then to put them in an envelope and then to put that envelope in the mailbox with a stamp on it. It wasn�t because I don�t want to do it. It wasn�t because I don�t need to do it for myself. It was because I feel like I�m giving away what little balance I had attained in this relationship. If John wasn�t going to meet my emotional needs, then I could at least not have to work outside the home. That�s why I felt so resistant and hostile any time he would suggest getting a job. I didn�t feel he had the right to ask that of me. He asks so much of me already. But to put my life on hold out of spite hasn�t worked either. Still, what do I have if I become independent?

That is another concern. I worry that once I find my life again, John won�t be worth the effort anymore. The doctor asked if I was at risk for an affair. I couldn�t even believe she would ask me such a thing, but when I thought about it, it did make sense to ask. I�m not that type though. An affair would be so stupid. Sure, I�m emotionally needy because I don�t get enough at home. Yes, it would feel good to have the attention of a man. But I�m wise enough by now to know that would be opening the door to a whole new set of worries and pain. It would be silly to bother with an affair and invite even more trouble into my life. Rather than do that, I would simply get a divorce. As much anger and resentment as I might have toward John, I love him. I couldn�t put him through that. I couldn�t put myself through that either, not for the little bit of ego stroking it would provide. I know it would be temporary and end up costing much more than it�s worth. Plus, I don�t want anyone else.

I really do love John. I love him very deeply. It doesn�t matter that I�ve put ten years into this relationship or that I�m not financially independent. Those things don�t keep me in this relationship. My feelings for him do. I left my first husband despite the fact he declared bankruptcy without even telling me, leaving me with all our debt, no way to pay for a divorce, and all the rent and utilities without giving me a penny in child support. When it�s time to go, it�s time to go. It�s not time for me to leave this marriage. I don�t ever see that time coming, but I admitted the possibility of it last night, and that was very painful and frightening. I felt like saying that was like saying I didn�t love John anymore, when that is so far from the truth. How could I consider even thinking that way? But it does cross my mind, and to get it out in the open was a relief.

What started out as an individual therapy session ended up being more about the marriage, though it was specifically about my feelings about the marriage. It was good to get those things out as they�ve been causing me much of the sadness, fear, and hopelessness that I�ve been feeling. Next week we are going to address my confidence and self-esteem. I am to bring in some journals specifically addressing those issues. I think I could bring in the whole collection.

As for my depression, we will see how I do once I get a job and go back to school. That might be enough. I don�t want to take medication, but I will if I can�t climb out of this. My reluctance to medicate is part of the reason I am waiting. I think the individual therapy will help a lot too. It already has. This probably isn�t the end of the weepy entries, but maybe they won�t be as frequent.