I was an absolute pig today. It was disgusting. So rather than ignore it like I usually do, I'm going to address it, try to see why I go to such extremes.
Nothing set me off. No crisis, no argument, no irritant. It was an average day except for the kids being home for a snow day. I'm not stressed about anything in particular, just the usual worries and concerns. Like many other binge days, I just have a general discontent with myself, my life. It's a wonder I don't binge every single day.
Ironically, I was feeling very unhappy with my body this morning. It's something I feel every so often, rather regularly, like the cycle of the full moon, only less frequent. I've been thinking about my body a lot lately, how I want to change it, how it is a mirror of my unhappiness. I want to deal with my emotions differently, stop seeking comfort in food. Either I'm truly unsure what else to do, or I really don't want to give up that security. An alternate behavior has to be something at least a little appealing, and that hasn't been so easy to find. Nothing hits the spot like a warm, gooey chocolately chip cookie. So my body suffers for that, and lately, today in particular, it suffers way too much.
I am fighting like mad to stay under 200 pounds. If I'm angry and disgusted with myself now, passing 200 will bring out and out hostility and revulsion. It has nothing to do with what I think of anyone else but everything to do with my own expectations of myself. I'm tired of trying to "accept myself" and "see my true value." I've bought into that crap for far too long, and the scale just keeps creeping up. It's about time I use a little self-control and stop buying into the permissiveness American society has told me I deserve. I don't need any more acceptance. I'm almost 200 pounds of acceptance.
I am past believing the extra curves produced by my obesity (And yes, I am technically obese. It's about time I faced that.) are in any way attractive. That pooch in my abdomen that keeps me from seeing even a tip of pubic hair? Not pretty. Those dimples in my thighs? Unappealing. Getting close to having to get my wedding ring resized? Appalling. Fat acceptance is doing me no favors. My extra chin, the bulges caused by my underwear and bra straps, the floppy upper arms are all ugly. Yes, ugly. I can dress to hide it. I can learn new make-up techniques to disguise it. I can wear support garments to smash it down. But none of that changes the reality that I'm too fat.
So I'm too fat, but I still eat too many Pop Tarts and chips. What does that make me? Pretty damn stupid. I'm succored by food ads and messages everywhere telling me to indulge, indulge, indulge. Who wants self-control when there's drive-thru right down the street, and so cheap too? I can feed and save money. But will that extra buck buy my way out of diabetes or heart disease? It wouldn't even put the tiniest dent in the cost of a treadmill, personal trainer, or gastric bypass. It's not worth it! I've been allowed to be convinced that I should have whatever I want, whenever I want, for as cheap as I can get it. I've fallen for it corporate America. I am your dream girl.
I have made changes, tough ones at that. I quit eating beef in July, then all red meat in August. I finally gave up poultry in January. I intend to work on seafood next, but I'm giving myself time to adjust my diet and my brain. That's how I've gone about the first changes, and I've done well with them. I haven't cheated or gazed longingly at any steaks. It would stand to reason that if this Midwestern girl that used to eat meat with a name on it could give that up, I can do a lot of other things I never would have dreamed.
I think I'm probably a little more attached to junk food and laziness, as hard as that might be to believe. I've talked about my sick relationship with cookies countless times. I am the Queen of Convenience too. Take-out food, delivery, drive-thrus, pre-packaged meals, they all speak to the sloth in me. And then there's the cheapskate that loves getting a bargain. I have way too many vices.
So what do I do? Like I said before, I have to find alternate behaviors. I have to make some hard commitments too. I have to think beyond dollars saved, exerting less energy, and pleasing my tastebuds. I have to think about the long-term costs of my actions and stop living in the next five minutes.
I ate too much today because I wanted that food. I wanted what I thought I deserved, when what I really deserve is a better life. I wanted to quit thinking about my problems, when they aren't going to go away unless I do think about them. I wanted to drown my misery in food and laziness. I felt sorry for myself. It's about time I throw out the guests to this pity party.
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One Year Ago Today:
