John tried to refinance our mortgage again, and it fell through again. This is the third time it's happened. That's how totally crappy things are right now. And that's just finances. Money has been way stressing me out. I'm sure it's doing the same for John, no matter how many times he tells me it's fine. I know better. It's apparent every two weeks, right before payday, when we're borrowing just to get by. The well's run dry now though. He's resorted to check cashing places and borrowing from his mom and brother. I can't stand this. We never did that when I was in charge of money. He does it without telling me too. He's in complete denial while he considers bankruptcy. "We're fine," but he's thinking about ruining his credit for seven whole years. I do not want to do that again.

I keep saying I want to get involved, but I haven't done it. But it's time I took action, and I am. Tomorrow is going to be the start of getting a budget together. I'm going to take over mail and figure out exactly where we are. Then I'm going to make a budget with John and we are going to get our act together and get rid of our debt once and for all. It's something I have to do. I can't play ignorant anymore.

Maybe doing this will relieve some of the pressure John feels, so he can be a better husband and family member. I know he's really stressed, and that's not going to help anything. If nothing else, I am taking some responsibility that I should have taken a long time ago.

I'm glad at least that I don't have to do any crzay cleaning for the appraiser tomorrow. I probably should have asked if they were going to cancel that. I sure hope so. I should call back about it. That would be the responsible thing to do.

10:35 p.m. - What I Want Most

Three things. That's hard. I've thought about it today. I forgot about it today. I'm still stuck. I have to be specific, the more detailed the better.

I suppose I should start with the biggest problem, which is loneliness or neglect. They're kind of the same but kind of not. Close enough for this, I think. How will I feel less neglected? It has to do with time and undivided attention. I resent him most right after he comes home from work because he usually heads straight for the computer, and if not, he sits and falls asleep. If he's on the computer--not tired. If he's with me or me and the kids--tired. I hate the computer and the Nascar game most. He always seems to have plenty of energy for those, but I'm a source of stress and wear him out. So... specifically... I want him to spend quality time with me and the kids before he gets on the computer or the Xbox each day. I'm not so sure that it is doable, but it's what I want.

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One Year Ago Today: