After two days of arguing and conversation about two weeks ago, John told me he wouldn't consider this our last chance anymore and that we wouldn't think about divorce. Then we argued last night. He said he "doesn't know" about anything, even being married. And I'm heartbroken. I finally got to a place where I am hopeful, and I love him more than ever. I even told him that. It doesn't matter though. He's confused and can't even tell me we have a future together. I feel awful.
I've been crying some today when I think about it. I'm not sure how to act or what to do. We went to a Pirates game tonight and he barely spoke to me. Less than usual. He never touched me, didn't kiss me hello or since we've been home. I feel like he's left already. Maybe he has.
There's not much for me to do. He has to get things straight in his head, and I guess I just have to sit back and wait to see how it all falls. I really wish there was something I could do, but it's clear I only make things worse. I don't want to cry with him or talk about any of it, because it just seems to aggravate him. I've been trying so hard to be nice too. Nothing seems to matter though. He's distant and doesn't seem to care much how I feel.
I just want a little reassurance. He said he can't do that. Over and over and over. Not even a little. How do I take that? I just don't know what I am supposed to do.
I've thought about calling a bunch of people--my mom, Kay, his mom, his brother, his dad, even big-mouth cousin. Most of those are out of the question though. I can't talk to him obviously. We have to cancel counseling this Saturday because of my training, which is really bed, but there's nothing else to do. I don't have anyone out here close enough to reveal things like that. I'll just try Kay tomorrow if I still feel like talking. I don't know what else to do.
I think I looked good today too. He didn't look at me much, definitely didn't say anything. It's like I'm invisible. he came into the bedroom a bit ago and at least he touched me. Hasn't said anything meaningful though. I'm sure he doesn't want to bring anything up at all, and he probably doesn't have anything to say.
It hurts to go through the effort to look as good as I can and get nothing.
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One Year Ago Today:
