John said he wasn't feeling well all day yesterday and apologized for it before I said anything. I was still hurt, but I tried my best to let it go. I had to ask him to kiss me goodnight.

He's on call at work this week and wasn't happy about it. He has to get up a lot earlier and go to a meeting every morning. He hates meetings. He said he's sick of his job again, which seems to be something he goes through every so often. He seems sick of just about everything in his life right now, including me. I don't know how he'll ever be happy with his job or much of any job. He just gets in these moods, like my funks, and he is disgruntled about everything. I also think he resents that I don't work and we're dependent on him. me working did not go well for the family, and I've been doing a lot better at home, but I don't think he sees that. He has this skewed vision of everything, more so now, and he only sees that I get to stay home. He thinks making his own hours is the best and would love doing anything if he could do that. I see it as just one more thing he thinks will make him happy that will wear off once he realizes work is work. Making his own hours will not provide him lasting happiness. He has to stop looking everywhere else for his happiness.

He truly believes he's broken and that he's never been really happy. And when you believe that, how can you think you're with the right person, doing the right job, in the right place? I can totally understand that. I've obviously been there. I really wish I would have handled it better. Now in particular, I regret so many things I said. It's coming back to me now. I feel terrible about it, both giving and receiving.

I wish there was something I could do, but I guess the best thing is to do nothing. I hate that my life is up in the air, but I don't want to live without him. I finally know what I want and now it might not be there for me. So I just have to wait. I think it's worth it. John is worth it. I just hope it works out. I don't know what I'll do without him.

I wanted to give him my wedding ring and tell him to give it back to me when he was sure he wanted to stay married. I think that might aggravate things. My dream is that he woud give it to me right then, but I figured it would more likely be when it actually fits me again. And then there is the "never" fear--that he would just keep it or put it in my jewelry box as a momento. There is just so much potential for disaster. It hink it would hurt him too, even though it is he who is unsure. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to do anything that pushes him away, even though I'm not always good at that. I just thought of the gesture as a way to tell him I'll wait, but I know it's also showing hurt on my part. It's like saying, "If you don't know if you want to be married, you can have your ring back. Give it to me when you decided (again) you really want me." So... maybe not such a good idea. I have taken all rings off. I'm not sure if he noticed. I just don't feel right wearing any symbol of commitment from someone who is not committed.

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One Year Ago Today: