Nights to Myself

It takes a while to get to this point, but Wednesday nights always end up pretty good. It's one of the busiest days of the week, since Booie has dance school and later, John has band practice. I'm left to put the kids to bed by myself, which isn't the most fun thing in the world, but once they're there, I have the night all to myself. I might have every single day to myself, but it's just not the same. I'm a night person, so this is more special to me than all the days.

Tonight though, I'm tired� too tired to really enjoy this time. In fact, I might just go to bed in the next half hour. I have to wait for the dishwasher and dryer to finish doing their things, and then it will be night-night for me.

Until then, I'll talk about my boring day and whatever else comes to mind.

Right now, I'm thinking about my tests tomorrow. I go for the echocardiogram and get the Holter monitor that I have to wear for 24 hours. I'm a tad nervous, but mostly I'm preparing myself to grill the technician to see if everything turns out normal. If so, I will be exercising again immediately. It took everything I had not to start running the other day as I walked home from taking Booie to a friend's house. I'm dying to run again, but like the doctor said, it won't kill me to wait. I've gone this long. I can wait a couple more days.

I was tired most of the day as well as tonight, so I didn't get a lot done today. The tables are still big messes, but the dishes are clean and some laundry is done. I worked on a page in the vacation scrapbook, read, took a shower/bath and played with my hair. I like the new color so much that it inspired me to play with it. I bought a new hair thing yesterday that does spiral curls, so I took about an hour getting the hang of wrapping my hair in the little clips and curling it all up. I've gotten complements galore, and John loves it. I like it too, but I better get the hang of those clips, or I won't be doing this very often. My hair has some curl to it on its own, but it's nothing like this. It's fun to have once in a while.

I might be getting a little vain, putting all these pictures of myself on here all the time. I like pictures though, and I am talking about my hair. It's illustration. I'll try to find something else to snap. It's just that webcam is such a piece of crap that it's hard to get a decent picture with the thing. It's usually set on a timer, so I can choose one presentable picture out of the 100 other nasty ones. I've got to get that digital camera fixed! (No, it's still not even sent yet.)

Since I have to be out tomorrow anyway, I plan on doing some of the errands that I've been putting off, like sending the digital camera and my parents' and sister's Christmas presents. Yes, it is February. What of it? Be glad you aren't related to me.

I'm also cashing a check I got in the mail and sending the money to my brother. His daughter finally got out of the hospital after some very close calls, and I know they could use the money. I know how expensive it can be to have a child in the hospital. Though that's the least of your worries at the time, it makes a big difference when someone does think of it. This act of kindness doesn't make up for my negligence, but it will keep me out of the bottom ranks of scum-suckers.

And speaking of scum-sucking, there was counseling and the fallout afterward for journal fodder. I'm mostly kidding about the scum-sucking, but it wasn't the best night of my life either. I had been looking forward to counseling, but as usual, when I feel good going into it, it gives me something to think about that tends to lead to serious discussion and/or arguing. When I go in feeling crappy, I come out feeling good. I suppose it's all a matter of what a person can handle.

It wasn't all that bad of a night. I cried a lot, but it's a whole lot better than yelling a lot. We were discussing John's participation in the band. More appropriately, we were discussing him quitting. It was a subject that came up during our counseling session, though it wasn't a big focus. I brought it up again later, and it turned into a big focus.

He said he wanted to quit the band the same night he told me about his mistake. He sounded very sincere and thoughtful, not like it was a defensive or appeasing move. I believed him but told him he couldn't quit and went even further as to say I just wish he would find a balance between the band and his home life. Well, he believed me too. We argued about who said what and who meant what for far too long. Essentially, I do want him to quit, but I want him to quit because he wants it, not because of me. I want him to quit to spend more time with his family and me. If he quits to try to make me happy, I still won't get time with him. He will resent the decision and me for forcing it upon him, and that won't result in what I want. He will find something else to occupy that time. It would just be replacing one problem with another.

He ended up saying he was quitting, and there was nothing else to it. I still don't believe he's doing it for the right reasons, but it's also not something he's going to announce anytime in the near future either. Maybe after he's thought about it a little, he will either find he really does want to quit or that he's not ready. It's all up to him.

Of course, him quitting the band would mean no more Wednesday nights to myself, but I'm sure I would find other nights. I'd much rather have him home with me more often, not to have to schedule our lives around the band schedule and be a more important part of his life. I think that beats these nights alone.