This is another in a series transposed from my paper journal that was written while I was with my daughter at the hospital.

11:14 AM - Furry Medicine

L loves her new kitty. She wanted it to get weighed with her. She's been holding it and hugging it. She makes it meow out songs and walk and lick us. I think it's her new favorite toy.

I found out exactly what they say is Boo's condition and wrote it down. It's basically a fancy term for brain and spinal cord swelling that has effects on the rest of her body.

9:16 PM - Another Rough One

After such a good day yesterday, seeing Booie in pain again through the night and sometimes today was extra hard. The bad night also added to my sleep deficit, which adds to my sensitivity. Then there's that period thing looming. We've been here over a week now, and Booie's been sick two weeks with pain for a week and a half. Circumstances make me ripe for a breakdown.

I cried for a bit after our guests left, and I was here along with John. Boo was hurting from her IV, and I really worry we will have to go through another change of that tonight. It's hard to be the only adult with her most of the time, through most of the rough stuff. I'm also getting such little sleep. I'm finally hitting that state of overwhelm.

I've done very well until now. Even doctors, nurses and support staff have commended me on my ability to hold up. But my endurance is wearing thin. I can't help but think if I can do this, an adventure race will be an emotional piece of cake.

Having control also means knowing when to say when and ask for help. It's more like accepting help that's offered. tons of people have offered support, but we've taken advantage of very little of it. These haven't been casual, polite offers for help either. We just haven't felt the need to use them. Until now.

John really needs to go back to work. Hammy needs to stay in school. The dog needs care. Chores need done. I need relief. It's impossible for all of this to happen unless we start using some of the help people are willing to give. So after venting some of the emotional build-up with my mom on the phone, we decided to accept her offer to come out. I only wish I'd given in sooner.

The worries about the state of my house are completely overshadowed by all that's going on. Perspectives sure can change quickly. I would have been completely embarrassed to have her see our pigginess before. Now, I'd rather she see it than anyone else. And we have one of the best excuses on earth now. She doesn't need to know we always live like pigs. It is worse now, but she's seen even worse than that elsewhere. It's some comfort to know I'm not the worst.

I feel better now, knowing she's coming and having Booie feel better. I held her on my lap for a while, and now she's doing quite well. It seems like it might be a while before she goes to sleep, but that's ok if she's not miserable. Staying awake with her happy is a blessing. Staying awake with her in pain is agony.

The only thing I dread now is her next couple steroid treatments. Her arm hurts already, and the treatments are hard on it. The possibility of another IV change is a horrible thought as well. The only good thing about the porcess is it's delivering general relief of her symptoms. She doesn't hurt as much overall, and she tries to stand and sit. She's eating and drinking too. It's by no means a miracle cure, but it is helping more than hurting.

Please God, let me get some sleep tonight.