I didn't even go clothes shopping, but I feel like I did. I took Booie out for lunch at Steak 'n Shake to help cheer her up. I let Hammy go to Sandcastle with friends for the discount school district day. I lost our discount pas, and he could get in with friends. So Booie and I weren't goint, and she was out of sorts about that. I told her we would go later this summer on a hotter day. It's rather mild today to spend all day in the water. I can't say I was upset I couldn't find the pass, because I didn't want to be in a swimsuit where there were certain to be tons of people I know.
I got dressed, because what I was wearing was appropriate for watering the lawn, doing laundry, and cleaning out the garage, but it wasn't good for going beyond our property line unless in a car with no intention of getting out. My neighbors are such lucky people. I changed into one of my new skirts--a gauzy white one that made me feel pretty and summery. It was even a designer skirt, but the only reason I'd buy any brand name is 1)true love, or 2)it was way marked down. There is almost no true love for me in the clothing world right now. In fact, I can't think of anything I bought for reason 1 in at least two years. It's either "hate" or "don't hate" these days. So the skirt was cheap, it fit, and I didn't hate myself in it. I dug out a coral sleeveless polo I had that I liked quite a bit. I even put on some of my favorite heeled strappy shoes that I hardly wear because they cripple me in mere minutes. But I was on a mission to look as good as I could, even if I lost toes in the process.
I knew I shouldn't order a shake at lunch, but I did it anyway, knowing the shakes are huge and about 4000 calories. Why am I so weak? Rounding out my nutrition was a grilled cheese sandwich and fries. It's sad when a pickle might be the healthiest part of a meal.
Once I was done teaching Booie the nasty habit of consoling herself with food, I suggested we go shoe shopping. I wanted a neutral sandal that didn't require a balancing act, and the ever-growing Booie needed sandals too. Earlier I accused her of growing just to get new clothes. It's certainly working.
Lately when I go to the shoe store, I haven't been all that thrilled at the selection. I used to find tons and couldn't choose, often coming home with at least two pair. I thought today would be another bust until I saw that adorable lime green Coach slide. Notice the "Coach" part. I tried them on, and it was true love. Being lime green didn't deter me one bit. In fact, I think I love them more for it. Being $109 did deter me. I had to think, but I grabbed the box to carry with me because there was only one size 8. I then found a cute, tan mule in a low heel which was closer to what I came to find. I did not carry that box with me. Booie found some sandals quite quickly. It was kind of funny when she worried $30 might be too much when I'm carrying around a box of $109 shoes that match very little in my wardrobe. We then scanned the clearance section which I always do because I have found two pair of my most-loved clogs on different occasions. One time they were less than ten bucks. There were no bargains today though, so my decision was at hand.
I tried on both considerations another time. I still loved the green, expensive ones. I thought about putting them on a credit card, even though I knew it was totally wrong. I considered calling John, because he's a big sucker and would tell me to get them but nothing else if I really wanted them. My paycheck just cleared, so he would be more prone to endorsing the purchase. Even so, I just knew it was wrong. I gazed into the box. I love these shoes. But we're trying to resolve our financial problems, and shoes wouldn't help. I convinced myself so well that I didn't buy the $50 tan shoes either. I didn't need them. I bought Booie's shoes and a hat she wanted that was quite adorable and left feeling depressed.
It wasn't just the money or not getting what I wanted that got me down, or even denying true love. It was my reflection. The shoes looked great. I did not. The bra I'm wearing sucks, but my others are all dirty. The shirt that used to look decent on me ten pounds ago now looks bleh. My hair is a mess. My face is round. I look totally fat. I left the house feeling pretty good only to realize how fat I still am. There's no hiding it. No pretty skirt is going to solve all that. To top it all off, I realized I forgot to scrub my dry feet in the shower last night, so even the great shoes were ruined. Shoe shopping just shouldn't be that depressing.
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One Year Ago Today:
