I'm nervous about John's elementary school reunion like it was my own. I did decide to go. I just don't know if I should ask John to wait for me before he goes, since I won't be done with training when it starts. He wants to go ahead, and I'll meet him there when I'm done. I stupidly brought that whole plan up in the first place when I was feeling more confident about our relationship. After last weekend, when I found out no one but he and the woman he's been wanting to see so much showed up for dinner, and he thought it perfectly OK to spend five hours alone in a restaurant with another woman he really doesn't even know, I haven't been feeling so good. Not forgetting that after I brought up my discomfort, he reveals he's not sure if he wants to be with me and that his elementary years were the happiest of his life. I'm not liking any of this seeing people from the past right about now. The only good thing is he still wants me to go. At least he says that.
I still get a rotten feeling when I think about him with Rhonda for five hours alone. I hate thinking that he was perfectly happy with someone else, someone from more than twenty years ago, talking, when I can't have a ten minute conversation with him. Why does he suddenly feel so horrible, confused, and unsure about everything? He seemed perfectly fine leading up to that night before he left, and right after he came home. I say something, and that's how it goes? It just doesn't seem right.
She's supposed to be there tomorrow night. She's leaving the next day (maybe delayed now with Hurricane Rita, but that's a guess) for Biloxi with FEMA. John's talked about her and how she's going down there way more than he admits. He seems to want me to meet her, which is a good thing. I'm not too hip on meeting her right now though. I'm scared to death she's going to be pretty. Even just skinny would probably bother me. I actually know it would. I don't ask him about it because I don't want to hear from him how pretty or skinny or even nice she is right now. I think she has to be attractive to him to some degree or he would have said she's fat or plain or even just not his type. Anything.
11:31 p.m. - A Bad Omen
I can't find my wedding ring. I've been tearing the bedroom apart. I had Hammy help. Obviously, we didn't find it. I've been crying about it, like that would help. I feel like that's the death knell. How do I tell John I lost my wedding ring, the symbol of our marriage? He's unsure about us, and I go and lose my ring. I don't remember for sure when I last say it either. It hasn't fit for so long. But I'd wear it now. I'd wear it to show him how I feel. I woulnd't take it off anymore. Please let me find it.
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One Year Ago Today:
