Round 2 � Solitary Counseling
This has been an interesting emotional week for me. I�ve been exploring a lot of fears and hurdles�all good work to do, but not very fun to share. We discussed all of this further in counseling yesterday, and it seems everything comes down to me getting my butt out of the house and working, doing something where I feel worthy and validated. It all makes so much sense, but those worries loom darkly in my heart. My head and my heart seem to be entirely independent of one another. No wonder I�m so often warring with myself.
I am pushing myself to get a job. I finished my cover letter and resume, then my ambition fizzled out when it came time to put the stamp on the stupid envelope. I put it off for several days, and now today, when I�m ready, I come to find John decided to take the stamp book to work with him. I was unreasonably angry with him over it, calling him at work and chewing him out. I just sent him an email, apologizing for doing that. He�s under a lot of pressure at work, staying late every night this week, and that�s not what he needed. I�m overly sensitive, and he�s my poor, unfortunate whipping boy. I now have the inconvenience of going to the Post Office to get stamps and mail my resume. It makes it that much harder for me to do, but I�m not going to drag my feet any longer. I�ve done weeks of that already.
As if motivating myself to apply for jobs isn�t enough, I�m tackling other areas too. It�s all interrelated anyway, so it doesn�t seem that far a leap to do. I�m back to working on my problems with my weight, which all stem from my feelings about myself. It�s my feelings about myself that cause most of the hardship I face, so working on it from several angles seems a good idea. I�m doing things a little differently this time. I won�t go into the boring details, but it seems to be working thus far. I know it�s all dependent on me and my commitment, as is everything.
There were no grand counseling confessions this week. Mostly it was a lot of the same thing I�ve been doing myself, exploring the reasons why I do/don�t do things and why my confidence is so low. It provided the boost I needed to keep at it. I�ll probably be back in there again by myself next week unless John�s work somehow eases up. He will most likely be incredibly busy until the end of the month though.
As for what I�m doing doing, there�s not much to tell. I managed to shake my recent IM admirer. I went on a lovely hike with Booie�s Brownie troop yesterday. I was a complete slug all weekend long. The past couple days, I�m running errands and doing work around the house. If nothing else, a job will give me something interesting about which to talk.
I did get pictures from the 5K race I ran a few weeks ago. They are about as atrocious as I thought they would be, but it�s nice to see them. I won�t be ordering any prints though. No need to go that far. I got my time card about a week ago, and it was about what I expected as well. I was 100th out of 148 women in my age bracket. It gives me something to improve. I ran a little faster than I thought I did but not much. I figure that card is the first in my collection. I�ll have to print some little pictures too, so I can see where I started.
I�m running again today with my partner. We try to run on Wednesdays, though we missed last week due to cold and rain. We�re wimps. Once I�ve been at it for a while, I won�t miss it, even when it�s cold and/or rainy. I�m not that far yet. Today looks dry, and that�s enough for me. I did run on Monday by myself, something I haven�t done in ages. I consider that quite an accomplishment. I�m shooting for three runs this week.
Tomorrow I go for a CPR class. I�m doing that to have the proper qualifications for the job I want most. I haven�t been to a CPR class since my age still had �teen� at the end of it. I figure I�ll be learning quite a bit. I�m getting some of my books ready to release while I�m there. The Red Cross is located downtown, which seems like a good place to turn some books loose.
I still haven�t had any successes in my books being discovered and reported, but I keep hoping. I figure at least someone is enjoying them, and it gets them out of my house. Anything that gets out of the house is most good. One day, I should get an official catch. I just keep releasing and waiting.
I best get back to the laundry marathon I have going. It�s time to change loads. It�s a terrible mess in that room because Hammy decided to help last week and used the John method of laundry. Wash, dry, pile on flat surfaces. I told him that is not the way laundry is done. I end up having to either iron, which just doesn�t end up happening, or re-drying with other damp clothing to take out the wrinkles. Some things need entirely rewashed because a cat decided to lie on them after visiting the litter box. All the laundry to be sorted seemed to be piled on the floor too, and it was all I could do not to trip, fall, and lose myself in the heap. Despite having been shown proper laundry technique, I believe Hammy will need a refresher course. At least he�s trying.
Two years ago
It's a wonder I'm not locked up - "I don't feel like talking about what happened on Saturday."
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One Year Ago Today:
