Excuses No More

I'm going to work out today. I'm going to work out today. I'm going to work out today. I'm going to work out today. I am. I am. I am. It has been over a month since I've done any intentional physical activity. Though my arms are definitely stronger from all the lifting of Booie and her wheelchair, that doesn't make up for me sitting on my ass all the time and eating my weight, which happens to be growing, in food everyday. I keep telling myself I'm going to do it, then I go eat some cookies instead. Damn those Girl Scouts.

Cookies are my weakness. I really love cookies. And once a year I tell myself I'm going to be able to buy the Girl Scout cookies and have them in my house and not eat a whole packet in one sitting and a whole box in one day. Ok, I might be exaggerating, but just a little bit. I always think I'm going to control myself, but then I get a nibble of that sweet goodness that is Thin Mint, and next thing I know I'm crumpling up a plastic wrapper sleeve. It's laced with crack, just like Dunkin Donuts coffee.

The interesting thing is only certain GS cookies go with DD coffee, and Thin Mints are not them. I figured since DD coffee equals good, and Thin Mints equal good, then DD coffee plus Thin Mints would equal two good. But that saying I never used to believe, "You can have too much of a good thing," seems to apply in this case. Two good seems to equal too good seems to equal not good together. Maybe it's just me, but there was just something about those flavors together that made me consider not eating any more cookies. Being ever resourceful though, I figured out the exact amount of time I had to wait after eating a cookie before I could take a swig of coffee and not make a sour puss. I was equally adept at figuring out how long to wait after coffee to return to Cookie Monster mode, which just happened to be quite a bit shorter than the cookie to coffee calculation.

I'm beginning to think I need to pretend I honor Lent just to give myself a reason to give up those evil cookies. I won't be giving up the coffee. Nope. I draw the line at the coffee. Yes, I know what addiction is. I'm not denying anything. I. Don't. Care.

Though I have a very great love for cookies, and not just the Girl Scout variety, I don't feel the same deep, inner longing for them as I do the coffee. Well, unless it's about a week before my period, and then I long for any food that is not already in my house, but that doesn't count.

But where was I? Cookies. Yes. I must restrict the cookies, for they are making me fat. Ok, they are making me fatter. Sheesh� details! I might think about giving up coffee if it too made me fat, but it doesn't, so I'm not going to. I'll shut up about the stupid coffee now. Anyway, the cookies are making me fatter, and that's the first thing I need to eliminate-things that make me fatter. Since I love cookies so much and eat so many of them, they are the first to be amputated. No more cookies. Ok, less cookies. Less. I better come up with a number for a limit, or I'll eat a whole pack minus one and claim I ate less. I'm technical like that when it comes to eating, or not eating as the case may be. So I will say one serving is my limit of cookies for a day. On the Thin Mints box, that says I can have four. If I can manage this for a week, I'll cut it back to every other day, but I better start slow. If I set the standard too high right off the bat, I'll fail and end up eating the remaining boxes of cookies.

My God, I'm obsessive.

The good thing about being obsessive is it can apply to things that are good for me too, like exercise. If I finally get off my ass and get going, I love it. No, love it. When I was on my running program, I didn't miss a day. I even thought about running the day we took Booie into the ER, but I never managed to get out of the damn hospital to do it. Then that horrible ordeal progressed, and the running got off track, and I'm not quite ready for that trail running stuff, figuratively or literally, so I quit doing it and never got back to it. And here I wanted to be in the 5k part of the Pittsburgh Marathon in May. I really need to get my butt in gear for that, not to mention that adventure race thing I still plan on doing in October.

It's too late to go running now. John is gone tonight anyway, and I can't be leaving my kids home alone while I run just in case that ax murderer I know will someday come to our house decides tonight is the night, and I won't be here to kick his psycho ass. Along with the fact that I would most certainly get run over by a driver with his or her head up his or her butt who doesn't see me shining like a beacon wrapped in a suit of reflective tape, leaving my children alone until John would arrive home right before dawn. Tragedy always strikes the irresponsible.

That leaves me with one option. I must dust off the Tae-Bo tapes and give Billy the opportunity to whoop my ass this evening. To think, I used to breeze through an advanced tape and want to run laps afterward. Now I'm quaking just thinking about the original basic tape. When I was in full Tae-Bo swing, I thought about throwing that tape away because it didn't even make me break a sweat. Glad I kept it, because the thought of doing anything more difficult might be just enough to keep me away from exercise for the evening. It would give more ammunition to my excuse arsenal, and I'm already overflowing.

So I'm going to Tae-Bo, and when Billy's done exercising my spirit and kicking my spongy ass, I will try to crawl into the shower where I will wash off the sludge and recuperate just enough to get into bed. I probably won't sleep, because I can't ever sleep right after I exercise, and it takes me forever to fall asleep when John's not home. I better lay out a few things to do, because once I'm in that bed, there's no going back. Hopefully tomorrow I'll still be able to walk, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Seriously though, I just hope I'm not too sore and tired, because John is going to be useless in helping me. He'll be sleeping most of the morning, if not until early afternoon. Then he has to put in the Firewire card, so I can hook up my cool camcorder to the computer. I think he planned a trip out to the store to exchange our new notebook computer that wouldn't even turn on when we got it home last night. Yeah, we got all kinds of new geek goodies going on at our house. That's what happens this time every year when money skimmed off of John's paycheck comes available. It's not tax money. We owe Uncle fucking Sam. But don't get me going on the tax talk. I need to work out before it's not today anymore.