A Simple Request

I want one whole day at home all by myself. Just one. No husband. No kids. No dog. Just me and the two cats. I don't want to have to worry about dinner or picking anyone up or answering any questions or letting the dog out. I want one day to not have to worry about all the other stuff, so I can concentrate on what I want to do here.

I never get to be home alone except for the small amount of time while Booie is in school. I'm not terribly productive in the morning, so that's not the best time to be home alone, but it's better than nothing. Still, after about 10:00, I'm constantly checking the clock to make sure I'm not late to pick her up. It would be entirely possible for me to let that happen and have the school calling me, wondering where I am. I really don't want that to happen.

I'm paranoid about that sort of thing ever since Hammy was in first grade and was home alone for an hour because I forgot school was letting out early. He rode the bus home, so he wasn't even at school where he would have been safer. It wasn't a holiday, and I didn't mark the date on my calendar or check to see if there was anything special about that day. It was one of the few days I decided to go out while Hammy was at school, and it turned out he had to wait in the garage for me. The neighbor with a key wasn't even home to take care of him or let him in. When I pulled up to the house and saw the garage door cracked open and then him walk out, I felt like the worst mother ever. I didn't leave the house while he was in school for weeks afterward and did everything short of calling the school every morning when I did finally go out to make sure I wouldn't abandon him again. For the longest time, I was sure to be home at the early dismissal time... just in case.

It's those things that make me think I am the worst mother in the world. It doesn't matter that I would die for my children or that I sacrifice so much for them. Not being on top of things enough to know when they are going to arrive home for school makes me a crappy mom. I may have resolved that problem, and it may have happened only once, but once is enough. I watch other mothers hover over their child's every move, and I know none of them have such a story to tell. It's just me, the bad mom, the mom who wouldn't let her son join the Boy Scouts because the local troop requires too much of the parents... well, these parents.

Signing up for Boy Scouts here isn't just for the boy. It's a family affair. Parents are to host a meeting once a month as well as participate in a slew of events. I was looking at a minimum of one thing per week serving as chauffer, activities at home to earn badges and awards, once a month of cleaning my house and organizing a den meeting and one field trip a month. Then there were annual popcorn sales, pinewood derbies and camps. All these things were most likely things I would have to do, since John is so busy with his obsession, I mean band. After laying down all the facts, it amounted to way too much for this mother... because I'm such a bad mom.

I'm not supermom. My house is always a mess; laundry always needs done; I have a million and one unfinished projects; I don't play with my kids every waking minute; and I only allow my kids two extracurricular activities a piece with final approval by me and the checkbook. Even two activities each is a lot of running around for me. For someone that already has planning difficulties, that doesn't make for a very organized and productive me. I don't know how other moms do it. What are they doing or not doing to get so much done? I mean, I'm lazy and all, but I'm not that bad. Is there some kind of deal with Satan you sign up for at the hospital when your child is born, because I missed out on that one, and I may have a bone to pick with that devil.

Probably the best thing I can do is what I'm already doing: be aware of my limits, declutter (yes, I'm still doing it), and forgive my shortcomings. I have all the tools to succeed at this parenting thing. I just need to put them to use.

I also need a vacation from it once in a while. Since I don't have a job outside the home, I long for that small escape--just a little time at home, free of all the parental responsibilities. I want to be able to do my housekeeping job without having to do the parenting job too. I want to be able to focus without interruption.

It doesn't seem like that much to ask, yet it never happens, and I have asked. John even went so far as to promise to take the kids out once a week--a great plan, considering they don't get to do enough fun things with just Dad. But like many things John plans, it didn't materialize. He's even more parenting handicapped than I am, and he's all but inept in the partner support department. So with that avenue blocked, I need to find another way to get a little home solitude. I'm still working on that. In the meantime, I can only hope John will come through and surprise me. I could always get a job, I suppose, but that's more responsibility, and I don't think that's what I'm looking for.