He's playing games again. I told him he should talk to me before he just starts playing and committing himself like that. He agreed, but he didn't say anything this morning and again this afternoon. I'm angry with him and afraid to even say anything about it.

We already argued today, and that didn't end well. I don't think I'm ready for more. I don't like crying alone. I don't like his cold manner. At the moment, I don't like much of anything about him, and I've entertained thoughts of moving back to Nebraska. I should have left him a very long time ago, before we ever thought about getting married. I was in denial then too.

I have made choices. I am getting payoffs by staying with him. I always have. He's been my financial support. He allows me to do whatever I want. He is a father to the kids. I can claim success by not getting another divorce and don't have to face the shame of it or judgment from my parents. I don't have to admit my failure to myself. It has become a marriage of convenience and fear. It lacks heart.

I'm not saying we don't love each other. We do. I can't speak for his brand of love, but I know mine runs shallow. I don't trust him enough to be vulnerable with him. Whenever I do, I end up cold, neglected, forgotten. I don't believe he is malicious. He just lacks focus and will to be anything more than provider. I don't think he's a bad person, but he is selfish and spoiled and so set in his ways.

From birth it seems, he was left to his own devices. He was excused and indulged in his antisocial, selfish behavior. "That's just the way he is," became a mantra embedded in his soul. Though he may believe he wants intimacy and a loving, healthy relationship and family, he has no idea what those thing are or how to behave as part of them. HE may bery well want them. He just doesn't want to be a part of them. Participation is on his own terms and expectations of him are out of the question.

Right now, I just want to leave him.

It hurts that I think he would just let me go. I don't believe he would fight it, try to convince me otherwise, or beg me to stay. I think he's ready for me to leave. In fact, I almost feel he's pushing for it.

He's so angry and touchy today. This happens when I require too much of him. I need closeness and comfort. I need held. I need some message of hope, but I got the near opposite. "You're going to have to make some tough decisions then." I wish he wasn't right.

As for me, I feel hurt, lonely, angry, scared. I'm not sure what to do. I don't think there is any way to approach it at this point. I think I have to try.

---------------------------------------------