I hate bringing up anything that bothers me with John now, but it really makes me feel unimportant when he leaves like that, especially when he needs to check his email and go online. I always feel like those things are more interesting to him, mostly because he does it so much while I'm left alone. He didn't say anything about it when he came back. Didn't touch me. Did pet the cat. Didn't look at me. Didn't say anything at all. It was like that quite a while, while I thought of a way to bring up my hurt feelings that might be productive. I resolved there was no way I thought I could do that. I just had to make sure I didn't start an argument.

I began with my fear that anything I said seemed to make things worse. It old him how his leaving made me feel. He thought I was asleep, but had he looked at me anytime between getting up and going to the door, he would have seen I woke up. He didn't check back after going to the bathroom either. I told him why I tell him if I'm getting up and leaving. It's because I love being with him and I care about him and I want to make sure he knows I'm just getting up. I want him to know I care. He said I don't have to do that, that he doesn't expect it, which didn't make me feel any better. It seems like my efforts are for naught.

He said he would try to make sure he tells me when he's leaving, but it sounded forced and insincere. He doesn't want to do it because he cares how it makes me feel or because he wants to make me happy. Not from his heart. I asked if it was just another chore, and he admitted it felt that way. I don't want it to be that way. I told him so. It didn't matter.

He leaned toward defensiveness, so I said it wasn't much use to take it further. He was quiet for a long time, and I finally asked how he felt. He said "not happy, not sad, just there." For the second time, he mentioned breakfast, so I let it all go with him and cried to myself while I got dressed.

He hasn't touched me today. Hasn't kissed me. He's looked at me very little. He talked some over breakfast where the reunion came up, and eventually Rhonda. I mentioned she wasn't there, and he said she sent an email earlier this week about not being able to attend. I asked why he didn't say something, and he said because I didn't ask. He wasn't going to bring it up after I said he talked about her so much. I told him he should have said something. I dreaded seeing her, but I did want to see her, meet her. I asked a few more general questions about the reunion for conversation.

He hasn't said one nice thing to me today, touched me, kissed me, put his hand on my leg in the car, came to see me since we've been home. I haven't been mopey. I'm not going to get in an argument as I think I proved this morning. I don't even want him to see me cry, haven't cried with him. Still, he avoids me.

The times we have been close this week have been really wonderful. At least for me. In between though, it feels hollow and lonely. I feel forgotten, or when I'm not forgotten, a burden he has to bear. I've been reading old cards, poems, and notes he's written me, some not so long ago. It seems like it was a different person that wrote those. Yes, I was lonely then too, but at least he tried. He doesn't even do that anymore.

He came in to ask if I was going to come out and watch the race. I said I didn't really want to. He simply left. I'm happy he finally came to see where I was, but I feel so sad that he just left it at that. He's avoiding me. Before, he would have at least tried a little bit to get me out there.

I'm trying to see where my expectations and feelings fit into this, how I'm contributing. I know I do. I know I'm not completely right. I even asked if I just need to accept that he isn't going to tell me when he's getting up and leaving in the morning. I wouldn't like it, but if I know where to put my expectations, it could be easier for both of us. Both times I asked, he said he would do it in that blank way. So really, no one is happy, or even satisified. Even thought it would hurt, I would rather he tell me he just doesn't want to do that than to grudgingly agree. I realized I am not going to like everything. I can accept that.

There is such a void between us. I don't know what changed in him. It definitely happened when Jim was in town and when I wanted counseling. And Jim's cousin's death did something to John too. He has talked about not knowing what will happen a lot. My feeling is like he keeps saying, "Life's too short to spend with you." Unless he plans on going from one relationship to another, always staying in that infatuation stage, all of them will end up taking work. I am not unique. I feel like I've found the way to be in love with him again, but he barely appears to tolerate me.

I'm probably going to do my treadmill time. I feel like running myself to death, spending hours on there, finding exhaustion so complete that I can't hurt anymore. But it always comes back again.

I lost 4.5 pounds this week, so I'm lower than I've been in over a year. There is small consolation in that. I just can't help feeling like I'm sprucing up to go back on the market. That is so not why I'm doing it. I feel more together about this than in a long time. Last time I felt like I finally got it together this well, I got into the 160s. But I'm not all well. I'm not eating enough. I simply don't want to eat most of the time. Sometimes, I'm forcing myself to do it. I don't have cravings. I'm afraid of foods I've binged on before. Even when my stomach growls, I don't want to eat. I have no desire. Last time I felt that, John had told me about his inappropriate behavior on a band trip. So some of the loss of appetite certainly has something to do with his distance, but that isn't all. I am doing better with my health, and I have only went under 1200 calories once. I'm exercising faithfully and not overdoing it. I'm strength training. I want to be fit, lose weight, and become a trainer. I think I can do it this time.

John still weighs less than I do, and that is frustrating and helps motivate me too. He still weighed four pounds less than me this morning. I will catch up though. He can only lose so much before he's the scrawny boy he hated all his life.

One of the reasons I know I'm on the right track is that I don't feel resentment about John enjoying a thinner, better-looking me. In fact, I want him to be able to have that. I no longer have that feeling that I need to give him a reason to not be attracted to me. I don't feel like I'm rewarding him for ignoring me. None of that matters, because I just want to be better.

I'm going to change and treadmill. I'll just try to deal with how I feel without making things worse. I'll let him go and go about my business. There's not much else I know to do if he doesn't want to address things. He knows something is wrong. If I force it, there will just be a mess. I have to keep my distance though. It hurts less that way.

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One Year Ago Today: