The treadmill helped. The first song that came on my iPod was Keep Hope Alive which actually played a second time when I switched playlists, so if I'm going to see losing my ring as a sign, I should that that as one too. White American Male wasn't really applicable, but it's a good frustration song. Each version played, so I kind of heard it twice too. The versions are so different though; it barely qualifies as a repeat. After that was a song with a name I forget, but the lyric, "Don't stop," is repeated several times. The last sone was Vegas by Hammy's cousin. I'm not sure what to make of that one. It's kind of good. The song itself, I like quite a bit. I hate to think the message in that one is about taking a gamble. I let the music run after I was done and Re-Arranged came on. Not good at all. So maybe still it's not best to believe in signs.

My heart rate was high before I even began. I'm sure the two and a half beers last night and the stress and worry had something to do with that. It stayed higher than normal throughout, even though the course wasn't too bad today. It did go down during cooldown and after, so I must have done something right. I felt really good physically. Exercise is good.

When I came up, John was still watching TV, switching between the race and the game. He seemed OK after a while. I feel awkward, and I'm sure that comes across. It's not bad though. Still no expression of any kind of affection from him, but I didn't expect it. Just hoped. Keeping hope alive.

I'm getting some laundry done. Might walk the dog. I need to shower too. New shows are on tonight, so there's not much chance he will talk to me. My period started, so he won't do anything with me either. Not sure if I should bother hoping for anything tonight, but I do anyway. What else can I do?

This weekend never seemd to happen for me. Too busy. Too emotionally full (not good). Too disappointing. I just wish he would hug me and kiss me and want to be near me. I wish we couls have went to counseling. We could have used it. Not it's a whole week of work and commitments and not wanting to say anything because he's too stressed from work. No work today though, and I still can't talk to him.

I'm not sure I want to watch anything tonight, but I don't want to appear like I'm pouting. I want him to talk to me and love me. Barring that, I'd rather just write, work through some things, read, be away from what hurts, which is the absence of love.

Maybe I deserve this. After not being sure for so long, feeling we might not be right, seeing everything so negatively, maybe this is what I get. Maybe I finally convinced him. Now that I'm not a bitch anymore, he's already tired of it, had enough. Maybe I drove him off, stopped pushing too late. Am I just getting what I deserve? Am I not worth loving anymore?

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One Year Ago Today: