Surprised, But Not

I had many topics today. That always happens. I never have one topic per day or anything. No, I have to have a lot on one day or none on another day. And I can't wait and talk about some of these things later, because it's a timing thing. A girl can't get a good rant going about something that happened a week ago. It just doesn't work that way. So I was deciding whether I wanted to talk about my second week of weight loss or starting my running program again. I actually started writing about that, but then I strayed off to the subject of my period, and that descended into something nobody wants to hear. There's a hilarious picture on Booie's door I want to scan, and I could talk about that for way too long. Then there's vacation coming up and this year's house to describe. Both of those mean pictures, and everybody loves pictures. But then I got a phone call�

My MIL called and asked how I was doing and if I got the test results back from my Holter monitor (I didn't). Then she starts talking about how proud she is of John and that she got his email. I play along, not knowing what the hell she's talking about. Meanwhile, I'm making a beeline toward the computer to download my email and look for something that might clue me in. She goes on and says how people do what they have to do, blah, blah, blah, and I start getting an inkling about what it is.

John's quitting the band.

Now, I did know this already. He and I talked about it, and I have wanted him to quit for God knows how long, but it's something I would never ask of him. I won't have him resent me for it. Once he found out for sure that's what I wanted though, he seemed to shift gears and told me he was quitting. We argued about it, me telling him not to do it unless he wanted to do it, not because I wanted him to do it. He said it didn't matter. We went back and forth, never really coming to any resolution, but he did stand firm that he was quitting.

So counseling rolls around yesterday, and we talked about some things having nothing to do with the band at all. We actually went in happy and came out happy, which was nice. Toward the end, the subject of the band did come up though, and he said he planned on being out in no more than six months. So there it was.

Maybe it was something about counseling last night, or he just decided he better fess up to the guys, but he spilled the beans today. He wrote a long letter, explaining himself to everyone and CC'ed his dad, his mom and me. Hence the phone call, and my surprise.

I am surprised he decided to go ahead and tell them. I figured he would let me know when he was telling the guys, not that I have anything to do with it at all. I don't particularly like getting phone calls like that (it's happened before with other things), because I feel like I should be in the inner sanctum of announcements. But it's hard to be miffed when he's doing something I want.

Though I secretly wished he'd leave the band for a long time, I never let anyone know about it. He was even surprised when he asked me directly on that day we were arguing. I just felt it was important that he quit only for his own reasons, not for mine, so I never shared my feelings with him about the whole thing. Once he found out about those feelings, the wheels were set in motion, so I can't help but wonder if this is what is in his heart, or if it's just something to make me happy.

He likes to make me happy. He tries really hard. It might not seem like it from what I write all the time, but he does try. The problem is he tries what he thinks will make me happy rather than what I tell him will make me happy. And sometimes, he just does what's easiest, thinking I should be happy with whatever effort he puts forth. So he's not a bad guy. His heart is in the right place. He's just a little lazy sometimes. "Avoidant" is the word we use in counseling. That's my John. But even though he does whatever he can to avoid some things, he's always out to make me happy.

Sometimes trying to make me happy is not for the best. In ways, I'm like a spoiled child. Like I said though, the errands and the gifts and the other things don't take the place of what I really want from him� his heart, his attention, his respect, his love. I want those intangible things from him. I want to know he's quitting that band because he is the one that wants to spend more time with his family and wife.

But maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe he needs to quit to make the time and find out how much he enjoys it. Or maybe he really has figured that out on his own. He did say that after all. There is no reason I shouldn't believe him.

This is what I wanted. I just have some doubts. I'm willing to let those go though and put my faith in him. It can't work if I don't.