"I" Language

We went to counseling together for the first time in four weeks last Tuesday. I was out of town, and the week before, we had no babysitter, so John was going alone. Individual therapy was recommended for him, and it might have helped. I don't know. He doesn't share much, and I don't ask near as much as I would like. It's supposed to be private, and as much as I want to pick his brain for every word that was said, I don't. I can't help but feel like it's almost keeping secrets though, or maybe it's just my own insecurity. I think he is going to continue individual sessions, but we're back to marriage counseling for now. I think we need it.

I can tell we haven't been in a while. John and I have both changed in many ways, and we're doing better at straightening our lives out, but we still have a long way to go in the communication department. Very early in our counseling, we were introduced to the "I" language. It's about wording things in a less accusatory manner by stating issues in an "I feel _____. I need _____," format rather than saying, "You do this; you didn't do that." It's supposed to reduce defensiveness and make communication more productive and less emotionally charged. We are supposed to use this "I" language to communicate with each other, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've used it, and John likes to think he uses it, but I have yet to hear him really use it. He gets out the "I feel," part, but I've never heard "I need."

Something in me is really resistant to this form of communication. I don't feel like I'm getting everything out in the open when I use it. It's constricting to me, and maybe that's the point of it. I just feel like I'm going to burst whenever I try to funnel my feelings into this format. I haven't said anything to the therapist, and I suppose I should. I think I really need to give it a better chance though, before I go shooting it down.

I'm sitting here now, because I couldn't bring myself to use the "I" language. I really wanted to pick a fight, but I didn't do that either. I'm feeling neglected and lonely, and finally angry because my feelings aren't being recognized or addressed. John hasn't been feeling well for weeks, and he's been complaining and moaning about it but hasn't bothered to see a doctor or really do anything productive to heal his ailing digestive system. I'm sick of hearing it, and I'm sick of being given that excuse as to why he can't interact with me. I see him do other things without complaint, even though he might be feeling miserable then too. Then I get the brunt of his lethargy. I'm not being very sympathetic, and I think that makes him upset, but I feel like I'm getting the bad end of this situation. I thought about telling him how I felt and telling him I need attention and interaction, but I just didn't. I was so tired and angry from listening to him complain that I was afraid to even start.

Does it sound like I have anger issues? I think so too.

The problem is that feeling of neglect is a recurring theme in our marriage, and it's a sensitive issue for me. I figure all I've done all along is throw fits, pick fights, rant, rave, cry, beg, plead, storm around, and cry some more to no avail, so why continue doing that? The "I" language might have worked, but I don't think I was ready to utilize it properly without reverting right back to my counterproductive form of communication. So I kept my mouth shut, except for telling John that he didn't want to get into it when he asked me what was wrong. I was more than peeved when he rolled over and said, "OK," but I'll give him that since it was late, and he really doesn't feel well. I'm not entirely selfish, even when I am getting rubbed the wrong way.

Instead I'm out here, fumbling around in my own head, trying to figure out what I did right, what I did wrong, and what I did that I haven't figured out yet. It's better than fighting with John for an hour or two when he's in no condition to be reasonable himself. He's sick, and he's sleep deprived. The spoiled princess brat in me really wishes she would have made him talk, but sometimes the reasonable side manages to wrestle her into submission. It's better I work this out in my own head first. Maybe then I can filter out all the reactive anger. I do feel a little more rational already.

I'll talk to John tomorrow about this, and I'll make sure to give my "I" language a try. I have to give it a fair shot. We might still melt down into a big argument, but I'm going to do my best to maintain my cool. Our biggest obstacle to communication is all these inflated emotions. That's probably what "I" language is all about� getting around those irrational, reactionary feelings. Hopefully I won't be here again tomorrow night, writing about how mad I am that it didn't go well.

I really hope that's not what I'll be doing tomorrow night, since we will be kid-free for the evening. We don't get that very often, so we need to make sure to get good use out of it rather than fighting.