I Don't Know
I've been incredibly boring the past few days. All I'm doing is running and exercising and improving my eating and getting housework done. This stuff is taking all of my energy and concentration, so there's nothing left to write when I finally sit down to do it. I am totally scraping the bottom of the barrel here to not be the dullest person on earth.
Revamping my diet has been a lot more work than I thought it would be. You cannot eat well and never go to the grocery store, so not only am I adjusting to the different menu, I'm adjusting to getting my ass to the grocery store at least once a week. I know this is normal for most people, but it's not for me. We've been eating out way too much for ages, and it's a big adjustment to keep that refrigerator stocked, plan and make meals and clean up. I'll admit it has made me keep my kitchen much cleaner; I'm doing dishes more often; and we aren't dining while kneeling at the coffee table anymore, but damn, this is hard. I know everyone is playing a tiny, little violin for me, but you have to understand I was the ultimate lazy cook. I'm hoping this shopping and planning stuff will get easier once I adjust.
The cravings have already subsided. Not only have I not eaten any candy since Ash Wednesday, but I've nearly eliminated sweets and fried foods for at least a couple weeks now. I'm practically afraid of the stuff now for fear eating it will send me into a feeding frenzy. I haven't been a perfect angel. We did eat Wendy's the other night, and I managed not to turn into a hog immediately afterward. In fact, I was even better the next day to compensate for all that fat. Today I ate three cookies, and those were the best damn cookies I've ever had in my life, but I sure feel crappy now. I never realized how that stuff just sits in your stomach like a rock. I'm not saying it's not worth it, because I do love my cookies, but this awareness is very new to me. I never before understood when people would complain about feeling miserable and heavy in the gut from eating junk. Little did I know I was too; I just didn't know what it felt like not to feel that way.
I think I'm doing well, but what I'm consuming is almost consuming me. I hope this is a phase, part of the adjustment process. I have needed to be more aware of what I eat. My lack of attention to these things is obviously how I got in this shape in the first place. I do worry about obsessing over my diet and going from one extreme to the other. It's very good that I have a challenging goal waiting for me in October, because I can't afford not to eat. Surprisingly, mostly to myself, is the feeling I could easily slip into the very opposite behavior of that I've been doing for too many years. But when you think about it, it's the whole messed up thinking process of anyone who has a problem with food. I guess I just never realized my problem was so severe. I'm very happy I am focused on a healthful goal to prevent me from making poor decisions.
All this contemplation has made me quite the drone lately, and I hope that too will change. I don't want to have my journal narrow solely to what I'm eating and the exercise I'm doing. That's just not fun. Tomorrow night I'm going out to see the band again, so that should make for some fun and a much more interesting story. I'm not going to say I don't plan on drinking, or I will end up drinking too much again, but I do have a Tae-bo workout waiting for me the next day, so I certainly need to avoid the indiscretion of my last outing. Who ever thought I'd be a band wife? It's just crazy.
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One Year Ago Today:
