Storm Before the Calm?

I'm having all sorts of disturbance. First I'm feeling extra happy and confident. Then I'm feeling worthless and depressed. We're talking minutes here, not days. I just can't seem to settle into one mood, and that's probably good, because I really don't want to stop on the negative one.

Maybe it was the dream I woke up to this morning. I dreamt I found out J was bisexual and had seen him screwing another man. It really wouldn't have mattered if it were a man or a woman. I don't like the thought of him dipping his stick in anyone else. Cheating is cheating to me. It's funny now, but when you wake up feeling all cheated on, that's not so funny. I'd like to think that put an early damper on what I planned as a productive day.

Those plans originally contained a run in the morning after the kids got off to school. That's right. Didn't happen. I was in a funk and didn't want to brave the rain and cold to get in shape.

And speaking of shape, I am not looking more streamlined at all. In fact, I'm looking more pear-like, and I think I gained weight. I feel fat. From the bit of video and digital pictures I've seen of myself on vacation, I am fat. It's not pretty. I can't even convince myself the pictures and video were just bad or unflattering. I'm fat. Fat people don't run adventure races, even if it is only a sprint distance race.

I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm putting off really getting to work until the last minute. It's the way I always do things, and most often, it works well. I did it in high school and college. I've done it with other projects since then. But it's not going to work with this. I can't get in shape two weeks or the night before this race. Physical fitness doesn't work that way. That's why this is the ultimate challenge for me. I must actually solve this procrastination problem to accomplish this goal. Not running or doing my other training is the exact opposite of what I need to do.

I feel like I'm working against a whole lot more than just a few fat cells. I'm working against my very nature. This is a much bigger undertaking than I could have imagined, and I'm not doing terribly well thus far. I've let every single hurdle or bump in the road get me down. I've used every excuse in the book. That's not how I need to go about accomplishing things. It's not the way I will succeed at this, and it's not the way I will succeed at anything, yet it's the way I always do it.

This goal won't let me do that. It won't let me put it off until the last minute. It won't let me make excuses. This deadline will be there on October 7th whether I'm ready or not. It's not going to change for me. I can't make a half-assed effort. This is a sink or swim proposition. And I have other people depending on me to swim. I'm not doing it for them, but failing doesn't just affect me. In this case, I won't just be letting myself down for the millionth time. I'll be letting two other people down too.

That might not have been the best way to overcome this major flaw in myself, but I don't know what else I could have done. Maybe it's just the extra push I need to get myself going. I don't know. I probably won't know for sure until it happens.

This all came up not only because of missing my run but because I need to get my bike off layaway. It's been almost 60 days. I truly would have had it out sooner, but we just didn't have the money, and I didn't sell enough baskets quickly enough. But I'll be getting it out this week, and that's another thing to stare me in the face and tell me to stop putting this off.

When it comes down to it, I'm not just putting off training for this race. I'm putting off happiness and success and just about everything else that's good for me. I'm living my life on hold, listening to that boring canned music and doing nothing. I don't really know what got me here, and I don't feel like looking into it. I don't think that will do me any good. What I need to do is look at what will get me out. I just can't continue to wait for someone to pick up the other line. It's about time I hang up and get on with it.

So I guess my crazy mood swings are all about this. I'm going between believing in myself and not. I think I've finally come to the conclusion that whether I believe I can actually meet this goal or not, I have to try. I have to stop being afraid of failing and being wrong and having people think poorly of me. I'm letting the perceived thoughts of others live my life for me, and I'm not even doing a very good job of that. That's why I'm withdrawing from everything and becoming such a hermit. If no one sees me, no one can judge me. So either I go all-out recluse, or I stop caring what anyone thinks and do what I want to do. We'll see where I am in October.