Don't Ask Me

I have got to be one of the most indecisive people on the face of the earth. J gets mad at me whenever we try to go out to eat because I never want to eat at any of the places he suggests, but I can't come up with a place of my own. I always want him to choose, and I strike the choices down until we come to some sort of agreement. It drives him nuts and rightfully so. Same goes with doing things. When we have free time, we often do nothing, because I can't decide what to do. I never seem to want to do any of the things J suggests, but I never know what I want to do. We usually end up watching TV or a movie.

It's not just with J either. I'm indecisive about everything: what clothes to wear, what color I want, what flavor of ice cream, what dish off the menu, what shoes, what way to style my hair. I often settle with something plain just so I don't have to decide. I avoid big clothing stores, especially department stores, because they have too many choices. You should see how many dog-ears I have in the catalogues I get at home. I might as well not bother, because I practically dog-ear the entire book.

Not only is indecisiveness a quality attributed to Gemini's, but it's also supposedly a "Cindy" characteristic as well. I got double whammied. It's not fair. And there is nothing more annoying to other people than a person who can't make up her mind. If I had a nickel for every sigh I've heard while I'm trying to make a decision...

This whole indecisive thing makes me very noncommittal too. I don't like to schedule things, and I hate making final decisions. I'd probably explode on the Millionaire show the very first time Regis asked, "Is that your final answer?" I don't like to give final answers. I might regret it. I like too many things to commit to just one. It's a wonder I ever got married.

I really do like a lot of things. I like so much and try to do them all, which just spreads me so thinly that I never finish a thing. If I see it, I know I can do it. If I weren't so capable, it might make that a whole lot easier, but that's not the case. I'm smart and creative and interested in almost everything put before me. I'm still not sure what I want for a career. I just like too many of them. I'm trying really hard to whittle my interests down, but new, cool things keep coming down the pipe, and I can't resist them.

Quilting is a perfect example of my inability to resist new ideas. I haven't quilted in about three years just to keep myself from starting anything new (and there's that basement to contend with as well). I still maintain that I will have to live forever to do everything I want to do in quilting, and that's just one small slice of the things I'm interested in. I have over forty unfinished quilts in various stages in my basement. I try new designs and techniques and move on to the next before I can finish the first. My very first quilt is still not finished, and I happen to hate the fabric I chose with a fiery passion now, so I don't know that I'll ever finish the hideous thing. I have to quit changing my mind and liking new things, so I can finish something.

And if that's not bad enough, you should see how I change my mind in an argument/debate/discussion. I go back and forth so many times, people confuse me for a tennis match. I just have a way of seeing both sides, and I hate choosing between them. I can usually be found mediating, because the flip-flopping of opinions can even be too much for me, and I really don't want to cause anyone an aneurysm from the frustration they might have if I were to try to make a case for something.

I'm certainly not always entirely wishy-washy. I do have things I solidly believe, and it is near impossible to sway my opinion on those matters. But that's another subject. My problem is with the other stuff. I have to start closing my eyes, holding my nose, and jumping into the ocean of decisiveness. It will cause me and those around me a whole lot less grief. J will most certainly live longer. Since I kind of like having him around, that would be a good thing.

I completely forgot to mention my snake phobia at counseling again. I want to try and get that fixed. I'm having trouble driving through a certain intersection in town because of a big billboard with a yellow and black snake on it. I start hyperventilating, and I'm afraid I'm going to pass out behind the wheel or something. I am now taking a longer route just to avoid that sign. The day I went by it, I had to tell j to let me know when the light changed, so I wouldn't have to look up and even get a peripheral view of the creature. I'm sick of being this afraid of the things. I cannot even describe the absolute terror I feel when I see them, even in print. And when it's causing problems while I'm driving, that's even more serious. I read and article in a pretty recent Time magazine saying this kind of phobia is most easily treated. Sounds good to me. I just have to remember to mention it to the doctor.

So, my goals are to become more decisive and stop fearing snakes. Easy enough.