In the Cards

Time to dredge up some feelings of guilt, because I don't produce enough on a daily basis as it is. Sometimes I think I feed on guilt. I just love it. Guilt me up. Guilt trips? I love 'em! Like a vacation, I tell you. Yeah, so anyway...

I had a friend I made through one of the online quilting groups back in '96. We shared a lot of things in common and hit it off really well. We became very close friends despite the distance of over 1000 miles. My family even stayed at her place one year on our way to our beach vacation. We sent gifts to one another and confided many personal stories and feelings. I don't know what happened, but I got weird and quit emailing as often once we moved to Pittsburgh, and then not at all. I can't really tell you why, but it happened. The more time passed, the worse I felt for being such a heel. Now it's been about three years, and I'm unsure whether I want to write this relationship off or to send out a pitiful, groveling email to see if she's still there.

I know our friendship can never be what it was. I betrayed our closeness. On the other hand, I never received any emails back, wondering where I was or what I was doing. We had one another's phone number, and I had called her previously when my email was down for a long period of time. I never received a call or message or anything. So in a way, I feel like this was a mutual break. For my own goofy reasons (crazy personal instability), I quit sending messages, and she quit too. It was like we wouldn't communicate with one another unless there was that constant back and forth. I quit sending forth, and she quit sending back. So although it was I who quit first, she quit too.

I don't blame her for the break. I blame myself. I can see myself on the other side of this wondering if she hated me and creating lots of wild stories about why she wasn't sending me messages anymore. I would probably blame it all on what a schmuck I was and how I dumped too much on her and various other reasons that would probably have nothing to do with it. I wouldn't be mad or upset at her. I'd be mad and upset with myself for driving her away, because I would make myself believe it had to be me. That's how I am, and since we were so much alike, she probably did the same thing. Or maybe she's cursing me up and down the information superhighway. Who knows?

The fact is, I don't know. I don't even know if she lives in the same place. I don't know anything about the whole situation except that I feel incredibly guilty for losing a good friend and disappearing without a trace. She did so much for me, and I always felt like I never gave her enough in return, yet she would apologize every time she poured her heart out to me. We were both like that. But it comes down to me in the end. I was the shitty friend.

J occasionally asks me about her; when was the last time I talked to her, why don't I email her anymore. I always get overly defensive and snippy. I usually bite his head off with a short answer and let the conversation drop into the same pit our friendship lays. I obviously need to do something to close this open wound.

I suppose I'll have to try her old email address. If nothing else, she deserves an apology. I would never expect her to open her heart to me again, but maybe we could revive some form of friendship again. I fear even if she did let me back into her life in any way, I would be a big disappointment to her. I've changed, and not in ways she would approve. Part of me feels guilty just for thinking of contacting her. It seems selfish to me. It's all, "I need closure on this, so I'm writing you." But that's not all it is. I do need to tell her I'm sorry for being a bad friend. I'm sorry for dumping on her and dropping off the radar. I'm sorry I'm such a loser. I'm just sorry. I don't expect forgiveness. I just want her to know.